good morning, sweet sisterhood....
i wish i had some better reasons for WHY i do the stupid shit that i do. i know that continuing to do things MY WAY, the way that DOES NOT WORK, is simply relentless disappointment and dangerous. and yet, without the structure of a treatment center, i revert back to my *insanity* by constantly doing things the same dumb-ass ways as i bitch about and wish that the quality of my life would rise. the quality of my life ain't goin' nowhere but down if i rely on wishing my life to be better.
am i expecting too much from myself too soon? am i supposed to expect slips and falls and bumps and bruises once i'm *finished* with treatment? or am i supposed to be more on-target? if the latter is true, i could really hate myself far more than i already do..... but although i don't *throw in the towel* at the end of every day, i admit that i DO justify future idiosyncrasies by focusing on past and present idiosyncratic mishaps. the answers to these questions are subjectively different for each of us. and i don't believe that any of them will be answered for me until i establish an aftercare treatment plan.
i know i tend to ramble and flower-up what it is that i'm trying to say.... and that's exactly what i have been doing here. i have something SPECIFIC that is bothering me, and yet i dance around it all with general insinuations.
yesterday, i had my proverbial power fucking bar in the morning. i was left alone for lunch and snack....and i kept busy and *conveniently* partook in NEITHER. by dinner, i could have EASILY floated into evening's slumber without having put a single bite into my mouth. but here's where it all gets problematic and i become so very upset with myself. instead of floating into slumber on the gentle wave of emptiness, it was suggested that we get pizza. again, i must re-iterate how EASILY I COULD HAVE refused and slipped into extreme emptiness. but instead, b/c of having a caring audience, i agreed to pizza. and thus the obsessive dilemma began. my brain starts an argument with my mouth commanding my mouth to settle the fuck down b/c i will NOT allow myself to eat [taste] too much no matter how amazing it TASTES.
but my mouth is so excited to TASTE that i overeat [by MY standards], have no idea if i'm satiated, full, or overly-full..... and by the time my brain gets the signal the signal that my tummy has had enough, I AM MISERABLE! did i enjoy the taste? HELL YEAH! was it WORTH IT? H-E-L-L NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i end up dangling on the edge of torturous fullness, hating myself, dying to vomit, feeling all the more confused by how this particular situation progressed.......
oh the fucking irony. i want so badly to be able to get the fucking bite into my mouth..... and sometimes when i do i feel like i can't stop when I WANT TO STOP. wishing to hate all food when i just wish i could eat like everyone else does is exhausting.
and to make matters WORSE [oh yeah, sisterhood, my worries continue], we ran into a friend who has not seen me since b/f i went into treatment. each time polite eye contact was sent my way, i panicked that i looked *fat* [not a fan of that word and will not use it often. my apologies for the offensiveness of that fucking word].
and i wondered this morning why i didn't sleep well last night. in retrospect, i can remember my thoughts during the night reaching obsessive levels. i combed over every single moment of the evening: from my choice NOT to slip into extreme emptiness, to eating too much, to feeling like i was on display as a much larger person. it all makes sense now, eh? no sleep for the weary............
today is a new day. bitching about all this does not CHANGE A DAMN THING. action is what will bring about change. i feel like shit. i hate food. i want emptiness. i miss bones and spaces. feeling all that will NOT bring about any change in my life. action action action.
i ate my power fucking bar this morning, and have signed a contract to mp each night b/f... for a month [baby steps]. i HAVE a mp for today... now i just need to push myself to follow it.
i am grateful for your reading-eyes. I CAN NOT EAT UNLESS I HONESTLY EXPRESS MYSELF. i am learning that there simply isn't room inside me for both food and powerful emotion. today, although i truly WANT EMPTINESS, i know that dangerous path will continue to lower and dull the quality of my life.... so i must eat- and consequently i must express myself. hating BOTH, i know that wishing and hating and bitching CHANGES NOTHING.
many thanks for you attentiveness. recovery is HELL! but i'll be DAMNED if i didn't spent four months in treatment to simply fucking give up. soooooooo, trudging through hell seems to be my only option at this point. your attention and support mean the world to me.
i love you, sisterhood....
namaste....
amy xoxo
As much as our rational minds know that our *old* way of life was not working, and will continue to not work, there is at least comfort in knowing the end result. Something about partaking in a brand new way of doing things (you know, eating and digesting and all that BS), is scary because although it is a BETTER route there is still some of that fear of the unknown.
ReplyDeleteThere really ISNT room for emotions and food inside us all at once, because right now in our broken way of thinking food IS emotions and emotions ARE food... THAT is what treatment has taught us (before we had no idea that they could be separate). And now we have the freaking *choice* to do what is uncomfortable and feels WRONG because we now KNOW that we are broken. God Damnit.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am not an anomaly. I can make friends like everyone else, I can go into public like everyone else, I can EAT like everyone else and the same things will happen to my body as everyone else's. People eat pizza ALL THE TIME and they do not gain weight. They go to the fair and eat an entire elephant ear (outside of whatever they normally eat... and it's not even a mealplan) and wake up the next morning and have not gained weight. THAT IS WHY WE ALL HAVE A FREAKING METABOLISM. Of course I know this for everyone else, but it feels so... wrong... for me. But of course, so did eating sauce and drinking bubbles (bC dIeT sOdA cAn MaKe Me GaIn WeIgHt RiTe?!? KIDDING THAT IS MY MESSED UP MIND TALKING) and *gasp* taking a freaking sip of juice.
You ARE going to have ups and downs and fall off the wagon and jump back on and all that other stuff. But remember that each slip or success has NOTHING to do with the events before or after. If I slip I can continue on with my next meal without that slip effecting it... and if I do well and eat and digest all my calories that doesn't mean I get to slip on my second meal just because I did it right the first time. Calories are meals and MPs are NOT like a bank, calories don't "roll over" or "save up". Each meal, each bite is an independent act. We just have to lean on ourselves and each other for the strength to face each one.
RECOVERY IS HELL!! But guess what, so is the god damn eating disorder. May as well choose the one that ends eventually.
I love you Amy
namaste
-EM
few leave me speechless... but luminous, em, you touch my soul like no other. i'm grateful for the truth from a fellow-traveller.
ReplyDeletethank you for cooberating my story, so to speak. yes, it all feels VERY wrong.... and yes, i equate food with emotions.
i am radiantly in love with your bank analogy. i think that it SUCKS!!!!! but it IS so true and so much easier to understand.... the sucking-part refers to how RIGHT you are... not to the analogy itself being sucky.
more sooooooooon, sweetie.
i love you toooooooooo, em!
I really liked what Emily said about the bank analogy, too. She's absolutely right. Unfortunately I get caught up in that kind of thinking ALL the time.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you wrote about emptiness, and then having pizza at dinner. I know that out of control feeling, especially when you have spent most of the day being empty... But we have to remind ourselves that ultimately it's not ABOUT the pizza - it's about our choices over time that have predictable consequences. Although we know that choosing emptiness and the eating disorder gets us nowhere, it's comforting in the moment. But the point is - not only do those choices get us nowhere better, they lead us straight to hell. An eating disorder is never status quo - it ALWAYS gets worse. It doesn't stay empty, numb, calm - it spirals us into chaos and that is the predictability of our choices.
Recovery is also HELL, to put it lightly, but, as both of you have mentioned, it is a hell with an end, a 100% end to the torment of fullness and meal plans and the feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. It IS worth it. It has to be, right? There are going to be days that won't suck, right? And those days are supposed to get better and more frequent, right? I can only hope... and the only way to give myself the best chance I have at something more, something better, something less agonizing... is to follow the meal plan. To a T. Which, by the way, I am also guilty of not doing... I HATE feeling like all I'm doing is sitting around and eating and sleep, and that is something that I'm having to work through... among other mind games that I play with myself... ugh.
But anyway... i feel as if I'm rambling now... just so you know, I read every word and I hear you, I really do. Keep posting and expressing anything and everything that comes up - don't worry about the 'wishing and hating and bitching' - you've gotta do what you've gotta do. What we want is not necessarily what we NEED. But it always helps to write it out and let someone know. We are here for you!
lots of love beautiful amy and emily,
linglu
not only does it help you to post, but it helps US as well... thank YOU for posting amy. it helps all of us to be able to relate and know that we're not alone in our thoughts and our frustrations in the process of recovery... <3
ReplyDelete