today, i apparently have a lot on my mind... journaling might help- but seeing as how i don't *officially* have any aftercare presently, THIS will have to do.
so i DID embark on the journey that is grocery-shopping.... i made a grocery list from a rough draft of meals i've planned for the upcoming week. it gets more and more difficult to purchase pre-packaged items... it's becoming more and more difficult to purchase non-vegan items. it becomes more and more difficult to purchase ANYTHING pre-made and processed.
oh- a little background info that would be handy: prior to treatment, i was vegan. i never bought any pre-made frankenfoods. i never purchased anything in individual packages. i never purchased meat, dairy, or eggs, or ANYTHING that had any animal products in them. [sometimes i would buy cheese for my children.] i was as green as could be, and i was ALWAYS in the kitchen concocting my own version of vegan-cheese, or *meats*, making crackers, sometimes breads, cookies, etc. [and sadly not much of my non-vegan creations made it into my mouth...]
my post-treatment recommendations are to continue to eat as i did in treatment, on a schedule, fulfilling my cal script. i am to give up being a vegan [apparently pretty problematic for me in terms of an eating disorder...], to purchase packaged items for exact cal counts, and to continue to challenge myself by choosing foods that i'm not so comfortable eating - let alone having in my HOME! all this was recommended for me to follow for one year. one year. a drop in the bucket of life, right?
FUCK! i haven't been home a month, and i'm MISERABLE!!!!! how hard can this be, i ask you? mp the shit-food. buy the shit-food. eat the shit-food..... for a year. NOT FIVE YEARS! only one year. deep breath.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is this so difficult for me? it seems so fucking simple! i SWEAR i never thought i'd be the kind of post-treatment girlie who would try to cheat the system. i knew i would THINK about it. and after doing the math regarding my OUT-OF-POCKET expenses for treatment, one would THINK that would be motivation ENOUGH.
but instead, i tell myself: i won't let it get that bad THIS time. i won't have to go to TREATMENT again just because i get too full and don't buy challenging foods and have decided to COOK more often..... really amy?????? i didn't work really diligently to produce a red-flag list only to contradict it post-treatment! i mean, come on amy! are they red-flags or not? and would i even be questioning ANY of this if i didn't have people POINTING THIS SHIT OUT TO ME? probably not. another deep breath.
this sucks. this is difficult. this is FAR more difficult that i could have ever imagined it to be! i mean JUST EAT! i know it's not that simple for someone with an eating disorder.... but because i am oh-so fond of pretending like i do NOT have an eating disorder, it's easy for me to get so angry with myself. four months in treatment: i have many skills. SO JUST USE THEM DAMN IT!
is anyone ELSE having a difficult time eating outside their comfortable-safe-foods? does anyone ELSE feel tempted to cheat the cal script because they feel too FULL? is anyone else engaging in red-flag behavior and trying to JUSTIFY IT?
tomorrow is another day... i have an appointment with a therapist this upcoming wednesday. i wish i had faith that once a week would be enough for me. although it seems like i am quickly disregarding this hopeful avenue, i am truly only trying to be realistic.
thank you for reading my endless rambling regarding fucking food. i hate it. i hate my rambling. i hate food. i hate food in my body. i hate attempting to GET the food into my body. i hate KEEPING food IN my body. yet another deep breath.
many thanks, all my love, and namaste- sweet sisterhood----
amy xoxo
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