well, well, fucking well.... i'm here to write after a week's worth of soul-shattering anger.
i know i mentioned that my ex-hub was trying to *take me to court* over the kids. we attended mediation monday.....and discussed the parenting-time school sched... AND THAT WAS IT. please don't misunderstand; i couldn't be happier that he did not go into the detail that the legal paperwork, with which he had presented me, had. but what hurts me and disappoints me is that we already had the sched figured out. and every year, we chat about it sans atties and mediators. so heading to mediation to waste everyone's time and to spend FAR TOO MUCH MONEY to discuss something that was already in place was POINTLESS.
the mediator assured me in private that he believed that the ex-hub was frustrated once he actually HAD to care for the kids for four months [while i was in tmt] that he prob snapped. his anger was made known through the paperwork. and that b/c i didn't cave and give in, but rather stood my ground, he knew i was protected ALSO under the parenting agreement....and just let it fizzle out.
well, you'd think that i would have thrown a party or something that i not only did NOT have to defend myself against anything- but that NOTHING was even brought up to suggest that he could contest anything that i do.... but NO. once i got into my van, i started to cry...and talk outloud...and clench my teeth. i quickly became hysterical and don't remember driving. luckily my mama had the kids at the pool and said she would bring them to me later--- so sucking it up for the sake of others was no longer an ordeal. so i screamed and cried...for three hours. i didn't know that i was THAT angry and upset over how i was being treated.
cts: at my therapy appointment wed, my therapist blurts out that *group* begins next tues. i had asked for a head's up... but i really meant far more in advance that this! aaaaah. i REALLY don't want to go to group. i know i will benefit. i know that i've been longing for a tmt-type group.... but i'm tentative. i'm afraid. i'm not ready yet. i get a tummy ache thinking about it.
oh, and i was coerced into making an appointment with a nutritionist----- black-mailed actually. but???? i finally fucking did it. it is this next tues afternoon- yep! and then that night i have fucking *group*! talk about a day from hell. sigh.
cts again: so, i have strict recommendations to stay away from the vegan mindset. but here's my dilemma: i am having such a difficult time CHOOSING to consume dairy. i'm finding it far too disturbing.... so although i am supposed to stay AWAY from vegan alternatives for fear that they will lead to further restriction, i opted for soy yogurt and for almond milk today while grocery shopping. it is NOT to restrict but rather to GET the bite into my mouth. i won't go NEAR cereal with cow's milk- but the chances are exponentially greater if it's with almond milk. and i LOVE yogurt- but am entirely too disturbed and repulsed by it to go near it. so rather than letting it go bad in my fridge, i purchased the soy version to UP the chances of it getting into my body.
while all of this makes a shit-load, shload, shit-ton of sense to me, it is truly my best effort at consuming NOT restricting. i hope that it is viewed as such in the peripheral outside my tunnel-vision.
short and sweet update:
i still hate food. i hate to talk about food and how i feel about it. my therapist is magic b/c she ellicits info from me even when i feel unwilling. i have not done the greatest job the past couple of days when it comes to consumption, but i have felt good. it's a different kind of good. sure, i feel that fab emptiness that i fucking love.... but this good-feeling is from- i hate to admit this- from talking. i'm sort of... h-a-p-p-y. i feel like i have a better grasp on myself and why i am the way i am sometimes. i'm just not so cryptic to myself lately. but i don't know WHAT the lack of consumption is all about. but? i am being honest- here and with my therapist.... so there's hope for me yet, eh?
i am grateful for the time you took to read this.
namaste, my sweet sisterhood....
amy xoxoxoxoxxoxoox
Friday, August 12, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
bug bites
for as long as i can remember, i haven't had a bug bite since i was a child. an avid camper and self-proclaimed tree-hugger, i always amazed others by remaining bite-free during every trip. hiking, canoe-ing, rock-climbing or rappeling, walks on the beach, and late night bonfires never required the use of any bug repellant.
during my stay at the tmt center, i found myself being bothered by the spring-has-sprung mosquitoes. and now that i am home? forget hanging out on my front porch as the sun goes down... forget hiking in red river gorge... forget marshmellows over a camp fire... without bug spray, i am getting eaten alive!
there is nothing that has changed drastically about me. no new perfume or body lotion. no new hair product. no new laundry detergent. the only things that have changed are my nutrition levels and their consistencies- and the fact that i am not underweight.
well, eating disorder- there's one point for you. no bug bites. but i can fix that with some fucking spray. so..... fuck you.
thanks again for reading.
namaste
amy xoxo
during my stay at the tmt center, i found myself being bothered by the spring-has-sprung mosquitoes. and now that i am home? forget hanging out on my front porch as the sun goes down... forget hiking in red river gorge... forget marshmellows over a camp fire... without bug spray, i am getting eaten alive!
there is nothing that has changed drastically about me. no new perfume or body lotion. no new hair product. no new laundry detergent. the only things that have changed are my nutrition levels and their consistencies- and the fact that i am not underweight.
well, eating disorder- there's one point for you. no bug bites. but i can fix that with some fucking spray. so..... fuck you.
thanks again for reading.
namaste
amy xoxo
Thursday, August 4, 2011
pinky and the brain- okay just the brain
yeah, my anger-post is boringly cryptic.
my fingertips tingle with the need to write. sometimes my brain engages and other times it is not so agreeable. i think my taken-for-granted brain is still healing.... my poor brain has undergone many transformations over the vastness of my illness. scarred from the deep ruts of dysfunctional thinking, it has survived without nutrients for many times on and off throughout my life. this past [and final] decent into hades lasted almost four years.
and when my brain would not perform in the manner that i demanded, i blamed everything EXCEPT malnutrition. *maybe i'm dehydrated* [and i'm sure that i was]. *maybe i need more caffeine* *maybe i need to take a run* *maybe i need sleep* *maybe i need to read* *maybe i need to to to to to* i fussed around with different cocktails of possibilities but would REFUSE to consider nutrition.
i would have vision problems- fuzziness, blurred vision, light sensitivity issues. everything sounded far too LOUD. i had a constant headache. i was dizzy more often than not. i saw stars... usually followed by blackness closing in on me. i couldn't focus to read. i couldn't focus to write. what i DID write was not rational. the thoughts that seemed sensical to me were really disturbing results of a starving brain. my short-term memory was almost non-existent. my ability to become confused was ever-growing. my personality was all but gone. the vacancy in my eyes was haunting.
i believe that my brain has yet to heal. the ruts that scar run deep. forging new synapse-firing paths is much more difficult than in theory. old habits and patterns continue to rise to the surface, trumping any newly formed ways of doing. fuzziness and slowness continue to plague my attrified brain.
dear brain,
please forgive me for not feeding you. in the attempt to empty the pain in my soul, i have starved my body and organs. i am fortunate to have only caused temporary damage that can heal. you are important to me- and my expectations for you are always high. it is not your fault when you can not meet those expectations when i have not fed you.
i am doing my best to honor and feed you. i need you. i need you to work properly for me. i need you to learn, and perform, and create, and allow me to have the quality of life for which i strive.
respectfully yours,
amy xo
my fingertips tingle with the need to write. sometimes my brain engages and other times it is not so agreeable. i think my taken-for-granted brain is still healing.... my poor brain has undergone many transformations over the vastness of my illness. scarred from the deep ruts of dysfunctional thinking, it has survived without nutrients for many times on and off throughout my life. this past [and final] decent into hades lasted almost four years.
and when my brain would not perform in the manner that i demanded, i blamed everything EXCEPT malnutrition. *maybe i'm dehydrated* [and i'm sure that i was]. *maybe i need more caffeine* *maybe i need to take a run* *maybe i need sleep* *maybe i need to read* *maybe i need to to to to to* i fussed around with different cocktails of possibilities but would REFUSE to consider nutrition.
i would have vision problems- fuzziness, blurred vision, light sensitivity issues. everything sounded far too LOUD. i had a constant headache. i was dizzy more often than not. i saw stars... usually followed by blackness closing in on me. i couldn't focus to read. i couldn't focus to write. what i DID write was not rational. the thoughts that seemed sensical to me were really disturbing results of a starving brain. my short-term memory was almost non-existent. my ability to become confused was ever-growing. my personality was all but gone. the vacancy in my eyes was haunting.
i believe that my brain has yet to heal. the ruts that scar run deep. forging new synapse-firing paths is much more difficult than in theory. old habits and patterns continue to rise to the surface, trumping any newly formed ways of doing. fuzziness and slowness continue to plague my attrified brain.
dear brain,
please forgive me for not feeding you. in the attempt to empty the pain in my soul, i have starved my body and organs. i am fortunate to have only caused temporary damage that can heal. you are important to me- and my expectations for you are always high. it is not your fault when you can not meet those expectations when i have not fed you.
i am doing my best to honor and feed you. i need you. i need you to work properly for me. i need you to learn, and perform, and create, and allow me to have the quality of life for which i strive.
respectfully yours,
amy xo
a-n-g-e-r
what do you do with anger? what am i SUPPOSED to do with anger? have you ever felt so much anger that you are eerily too calm? have you ever felt so angry that any small irritation could send your vesuvius into eruption? have you ever wanted to scream- but just couldn't find the right place to ACTUALLY scream? i mean WHERE DOES one go to actually SCREAM? have you ever felt like throwing things? have you ever ACTUALLY thrown things? i have. i have created far more of a mess by throwing and breaking things- humiliating and a bitch of a clean-up. that was years ago. now my arm twitches with restraint.
anger. just writing the word riles me. hmmm, it's just a feeling, an emotion, a signal of *something*. anger itself is not bad. but what i DO about my anger can be..... most folks don't celebrate anger... or host a party for it... or get excited about it. handling anger, coping with it, moving through it, surviving it- is such a delicate dance.
i'm trapped b/t twitching with restraint, fighting my urge to fucking scream- and sitting calmly watching life continue. i'm sure there are some greys b/t throwing a screaming tantrum and doing nothing. my compass is broken. i can not find anything in b/t.
self-care, comfort, soothing, distraction... so difficult when anger prevails. it blankets my soul like heavy, wet wool... uncomfortable, scratchy and irritating, messy..... finding my way out from under this blanket in order to comfort myself sounds impossible and unreasonable. suffering, sorrow, blind-rage all feel appropriate and very possible and very reasonable. sigh.
and for what it's worth, anger does NOT last forever. it does subside. but without proper skills to cope appropriately, it can FEEL like it lasts forever, and it can hurt more than necessary.
it is so difficult, my sisters, to be simply human. being human is far more difficult than i'd like for it to be. sigh.
my angry soul bows in respect to all of yours....
amy xoxo
anger. just writing the word riles me. hmmm, it's just a feeling, an emotion, a signal of *something*. anger itself is not bad. but what i DO about my anger can be..... most folks don't celebrate anger... or host a party for it... or get excited about it. handling anger, coping with it, moving through it, surviving it- is such a delicate dance.
i'm trapped b/t twitching with restraint, fighting my urge to fucking scream- and sitting calmly watching life continue. i'm sure there are some greys b/t throwing a screaming tantrum and doing nothing. my compass is broken. i can not find anything in b/t.
self-care, comfort, soothing, distraction... so difficult when anger prevails. it blankets my soul like heavy, wet wool... uncomfortable, scratchy and irritating, messy..... finding my way out from under this blanket in order to comfort myself sounds impossible and unreasonable. suffering, sorrow, blind-rage all feel appropriate and very possible and very reasonable. sigh.
and for what it's worth, anger does NOT last forever. it does subside. but without proper skills to cope appropriately, it can FEEL like it lasts forever, and it can hurt more than necessary.
it is so difficult, my sisters, to be simply human. being human is far more difficult than i'd like for it to be. sigh.
my angry soul bows in respect to all of yours....
amy xoxo
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
life is hard, and recovery works IN our favor
i know it's been a while since my last confession... life has kept me pretty busy lately.
do you ever feel hard-wired? i mean, i've learned that the way i move through life is not the most graceful- and that there are better, more efficient ways. i have not only LEARNED these ways, i actually LIVED them while in treatment. acclimating myself into my life post-tmt is far more difficult than the theory. *you did it in tmt. so do it in real life.* sounds simple enough. but something in me magnetically draws my attention to former ways... and the irony is that my intellect KNOWS better. having that awareness creates such conflict. and yet, almost everything in me feels hard-wired to continue to repeat former behaviors... sigh.
update:
for those of you considering tmt, or for those who have completed tmt and are considering dipping a toe back into their illness- i want to share some recent happenings in my life, hoping that it can impact you in a way that promotes recovery.
yes, the stigma of an eating disorder is heavy and ugly and UNAVOIDABLE. people KNOWING is scary. i was afraid that if i accepted the diagnosis of having an eating disorder that who i am as a good person would be questioned, that my abilities would be questioned, that my credibility would be questioned, that my motherhood would be questioned. and i'm here to tell you???? that yes, it WILL all be questioned. but, NOT accepting the diagnosis in order to recover will only solidify that all in your life should and will be questioned for very substantial reasons.
i couldn't see that. i truly believed that if i could talk myself into believing that i didn't have an eating disorder then others would believe it also. not true.
so i'm here to tell you: no matter what you do when you have an eating disorder, facing the FEAR of people knowing is inevitable. and facing the FEAR of how people will perceive you is ALSO in inevitable. but it's better to face it all as you ACCEPT your diagnosis, follow through with tmt, and move forward with recovery. the cat will be out of the bag regardless- better to have the posisitve fire-walking on your side, you know?
i'm blathering on about this, b/c my family was very concerned that my ex-husband would try to manipulate our custody agreement if i did NOT take the appropriate steps toward accepting that i was ill and doing something about it- aka: going into tmt. shockingly, my ex-husband was very supportive, cheering me on, soothing my worries by telling me that he would never use this to try to take the kids from me. he volunteered to take the kids full-time and for me to take all the time that i needed in tmt.
had i not gone into tmt when i did, my ex-husband truly WOULD have had many reasons to be worried. but i faced the fear, walked through all that fire, and am now home.
and luckily i faced those fears when i did. luckily, i have had practice dealing with scary shit. tmt gave me a safe place to face some scary shit and to practice dealing appropriately with facing it. b/c let's face it. life goes on whether we like it or not. scary shit will CONTINUE to present itself to us... b/c that's LIFE. so no matter WHAT we take a deep breath over and FACE, telling ourselves that it's the ONLY fear or the LAST fear is simply a lie.
my point is that we will all get to a crossroads where we have to face things of which are afraid. and that crossroads will NEVER disappear.
wow, lots of rambling to get to my point. please forgive me.
the day after i returned home from tmt, my ex-husband presented me with legal paperwork stating that he is filing for full custody of our children. you can imagine my shock and surprise.... and fear and fear and fear and fear. i thought that accepting all this and going to tmt would ALLEVIATE such action. but life IS unpredictable. and mean people pretending to be nice will always exist.
i know this could have happened pre-tmt. if it had, the way in which i would have handled it all would look VERY DIFFERENT.... and would definitely have been the WRONG way. but...it didn't happen pre-tmt. it is happening now.
i had a meeting with my attorney yesterday who stated that my best recourse is to do nothing. he has no facts to bring to the table, so trying to defend myself against false accusations is a waste of time and money.
we have mediation set up for this coming monday. thankfully my atty will be present. my job will be to sit still and look pretty. i can handle that directive.
having accepted the diagnosis and having gone into tmt and continuing with therapy are all aspects that work IN my favor. i'll admit that i was convinced that if i did all those things, then all the threats in my life would dissapate. folks, life g-o-e-s on... in ways we are not comfortable with. this was bound to happen at one point or another....and so will other looming, fearful life events.
i am trying to be calm. i am trying not to worry incessantly. i am trying not to allow the disdain that i feel toward my ex-husband poison my soul. pre-tmt, i could have never done this gracefully.
so, no matter WHAT it is that you are avoiding or are afraid of, it is likely to happen ANYWAY. being in a position to REALLY BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT AND TO BE ABLE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF is the best place you can put yourself. life does not stop just b/c we avoid it or b/c we want to wish it away.
i am confident that my ex-husband will be pleased with himself regardless the outcome. he wants to be *heard*. he wants an audience to witness his name-calling tactics. he wants to punish me monetarily. i believe that he simply wants to scare me. he will accomplish ALL these things and more.... but does NOT have any substance with which to justify his claims. going to tmt works IN my favor- not against me.
so, the entire time that i have been home, i have been feeling the underlying pressure of this threat. i have been worried and upset, angry and confused, confident and scared. but.... that's life. no, big threats of going to court may not present themselves every day forever, but scary aspects of life WILL continue to present- regardless of where we are in recovery. isn't it better to have a foundation of real work? rather than trying to rely on what you'd like to WISH your life to be? i can state with confidence that i have worked my ass off in tmt. i have facts to back it. i am living proof that i have actually done the work. THAT, my sisters, is what will pull me through difficult times in life- not denial, starvation, backsliding, excuses, or trying to wish it all away.
i hope that this does not scare anyone away from acceptance and tmt. this is not happening to me BECAUSE i went to tmt. it is happening b/c it is happening. nothing more. nothing less. if my ex-husband wants to USE the fact that i went to tmt AGAINST ME, bring it on! if he wants to try to scare me, bring it on! if he wants to resort to stigma and name-calling, bring it on! going into tmt works FOR ME not AGAINST ME.
so please, sisters..... regardless of the hell of recovery, please try see that the horrific-ness of it WILL pay off. it's soooooo much better than the hell that was before. and facing your fears gets easier. it really does. and all the hell that you can't STAND is is is is working FOR you. it really is.
many thanks for your patience reading this jumbled mess that i am presenting. remembering that life IS hard helps. remembering that the hell of recovery WILL end and WILL work in your favor helps. i know it's difficult; i'm by no means claiming a perfect recovery. but i'm better off right now than i ever have been before when it comes to dealing with the disappointments that life will inevitably bring.
sending out loving vibes into the universe for all my sisterhood!!!!
namaste
amy xoxo
do you ever feel hard-wired? i mean, i've learned that the way i move through life is not the most graceful- and that there are better, more efficient ways. i have not only LEARNED these ways, i actually LIVED them while in treatment. acclimating myself into my life post-tmt is far more difficult than the theory. *you did it in tmt. so do it in real life.* sounds simple enough. but something in me magnetically draws my attention to former ways... and the irony is that my intellect KNOWS better. having that awareness creates such conflict. and yet, almost everything in me feels hard-wired to continue to repeat former behaviors... sigh.
update:
for those of you considering tmt, or for those who have completed tmt and are considering dipping a toe back into their illness- i want to share some recent happenings in my life, hoping that it can impact you in a way that promotes recovery.
yes, the stigma of an eating disorder is heavy and ugly and UNAVOIDABLE. people KNOWING is scary. i was afraid that if i accepted the diagnosis of having an eating disorder that who i am as a good person would be questioned, that my abilities would be questioned, that my credibility would be questioned, that my motherhood would be questioned. and i'm here to tell you???? that yes, it WILL all be questioned. but, NOT accepting the diagnosis in order to recover will only solidify that all in your life should and will be questioned for very substantial reasons.
i couldn't see that. i truly believed that if i could talk myself into believing that i didn't have an eating disorder then others would believe it also. not true.
so i'm here to tell you: no matter what you do when you have an eating disorder, facing the FEAR of people knowing is inevitable. and facing the FEAR of how people will perceive you is ALSO in inevitable. but it's better to face it all as you ACCEPT your diagnosis, follow through with tmt, and move forward with recovery. the cat will be out of the bag regardless- better to have the posisitve fire-walking on your side, you know?
i'm blathering on about this, b/c my family was very concerned that my ex-husband would try to manipulate our custody agreement if i did NOT take the appropriate steps toward accepting that i was ill and doing something about it- aka: going into tmt. shockingly, my ex-husband was very supportive, cheering me on, soothing my worries by telling me that he would never use this to try to take the kids from me. he volunteered to take the kids full-time and for me to take all the time that i needed in tmt.
had i not gone into tmt when i did, my ex-husband truly WOULD have had many reasons to be worried. but i faced the fear, walked through all that fire, and am now home.
and luckily i faced those fears when i did. luckily, i have had practice dealing with scary shit. tmt gave me a safe place to face some scary shit and to practice dealing appropriately with facing it. b/c let's face it. life goes on whether we like it or not. scary shit will CONTINUE to present itself to us... b/c that's LIFE. so no matter WHAT we take a deep breath over and FACE, telling ourselves that it's the ONLY fear or the LAST fear is simply a lie.
my point is that we will all get to a crossroads where we have to face things of which are afraid. and that crossroads will NEVER disappear.
wow, lots of rambling to get to my point. please forgive me.
the day after i returned home from tmt, my ex-husband presented me with legal paperwork stating that he is filing for full custody of our children. you can imagine my shock and surprise.... and fear and fear and fear and fear. i thought that accepting all this and going to tmt would ALLEVIATE such action. but life IS unpredictable. and mean people pretending to be nice will always exist.
i know this could have happened pre-tmt. if it had, the way in which i would have handled it all would look VERY DIFFERENT.... and would definitely have been the WRONG way. but...it didn't happen pre-tmt. it is happening now.
i had a meeting with my attorney yesterday who stated that my best recourse is to do nothing. he has no facts to bring to the table, so trying to defend myself against false accusations is a waste of time and money.
we have mediation set up for this coming monday. thankfully my atty will be present. my job will be to sit still and look pretty. i can handle that directive.
having accepted the diagnosis and having gone into tmt and continuing with therapy are all aspects that work IN my favor. i'll admit that i was convinced that if i did all those things, then all the threats in my life would dissapate. folks, life g-o-e-s on... in ways we are not comfortable with. this was bound to happen at one point or another....and so will other looming, fearful life events.
i am trying to be calm. i am trying not to worry incessantly. i am trying not to allow the disdain that i feel toward my ex-husband poison my soul. pre-tmt, i could have never done this gracefully.
so, no matter WHAT it is that you are avoiding or are afraid of, it is likely to happen ANYWAY. being in a position to REALLY BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT AND TO BE ABLE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF is the best place you can put yourself. life does not stop just b/c we avoid it or b/c we want to wish it away.
i am confident that my ex-husband will be pleased with himself regardless the outcome. he wants to be *heard*. he wants an audience to witness his name-calling tactics. he wants to punish me monetarily. i believe that he simply wants to scare me. he will accomplish ALL these things and more.... but does NOT have any substance with which to justify his claims. going to tmt works IN my favor- not against me.
so, the entire time that i have been home, i have been feeling the underlying pressure of this threat. i have been worried and upset, angry and confused, confident and scared. but.... that's life. no, big threats of going to court may not present themselves every day forever, but scary aspects of life WILL continue to present- regardless of where we are in recovery. isn't it better to have a foundation of real work? rather than trying to rely on what you'd like to WISH your life to be? i can state with confidence that i have worked my ass off in tmt. i have facts to back it. i am living proof that i have actually done the work. THAT, my sisters, is what will pull me through difficult times in life- not denial, starvation, backsliding, excuses, or trying to wish it all away.
i hope that this does not scare anyone away from acceptance and tmt. this is not happening to me BECAUSE i went to tmt. it is happening b/c it is happening. nothing more. nothing less. if my ex-husband wants to USE the fact that i went to tmt AGAINST ME, bring it on! if he wants to try to scare me, bring it on! if he wants to resort to stigma and name-calling, bring it on! going into tmt works FOR ME not AGAINST ME.
so please, sisters..... regardless of the hell of recovery, please try see that the horrific-ness of it WILL pay off. it's soooooo much better than the hell that was before. and facing your fears gets easier. it really does. and all the hell that you can't STAND is is is is working FOR you. it really is.
many thanks for your patience reading this jumbled mess that i am presenting. remembering that life IS hard helps. remembering that the hell of recovery WILL end and WILL work in your favor helps. i know it's difficult; i'm by no means claiming a perfect recovery. but i'm better off right now than i ever have been before when it comes to dealing with the disappointments that life will inevitably bring.
sending out loving vibes into the universe for all my sisterhood!!!!
namaste
amy xoxo
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