pinky and the brain- okay just the brain

yeah, my anger-post is boringly cryptic. 

my fingertips tingle with the need to write.  sometimes my brain engages and other times it is not so agreeable.  i think my taken-for-granted brain is still healing....  my poor brain has undergone many transformations over the vastness of my illness.  scarred from the deep ruts of dysfunctional thinking, it has survived without nutrients for many times on and off throughout my life.  this past [and final] decent into hades lasted almost four years. 

and when my brain would not perform in the manner that i demanded, i blamed everything EXCEPT malnutrition.  *maybe i'm dehydrated* [and i'm sure that i was].  *maybe i need more caffeine* *maybe i need to take a run* *maybe i need sleep* *maybe i need to read* *maybe i need to to to to to*  i fussed around with different cocktails of possibilities but would REFUSE to consider nutrition.

i would have vision problems- fuzziness, blurred vision, light sensitivity issues.  everything sounded far too LOUD.  i had a constant headache.  i was dizzy more often than not.  i saw stars... usually followed by blackness closing in on me.  i couldn't focus to read.  i couldn't focus to write.  what i DID write was not rational.  the thoughts that seemed sensical to me were really disturbing results of a starving brain.  my short-term memory was almost non-existent.  my ability to become confused was ever-growing.  my personality was all but gone.  the vacancy in my eyes was haunting.

i believe that my brain has yet to heal.  the ruts that scar run deep.  forging new synapse-firing paths is much more difficult than in theory.  old habits and patterns continue to rise to the surface, trumping any newly formed ways of doing.  fuzziness and slowness continue to plague my attrified brain.

dear brain,
please forgive me for not feeding you.  in the attempt to empty the pain in my soul, i have starved my body and organs.  i am fortunate to have only caused temporary damage that can heal.  you are important to me- and my expectations for you are always high.  it is not your fault when you can not meet those expectations when i have not fed you.
i am doing my best to honor and feed you.  i need you.  i need you to work properly for me.  i need you to learn, and perform, and create, and allow me to have the quality of life for which i strive.
respectfully yours,
amy xo