i know it's been a while since my last confession... life has kept me pretty busy lately.
do you ever feel hard-wired? i mean, i've learned that the way i move through life is not the most graceful- and that there are better, more efficient ways. i have not only LEARNED these ways, i actually LIVED them while in treatment. acclimating myself into my life post-tmt is far more difficult than the theory. *you did it in tmt. so do it in real life.* sounds simple enough. but something in me magnetically draws my attention to former ways... and the irony is that my intellect KNOWS better. having that awareness creates such conflict. and yet, almost everything in me feels hard-wired to continue to repeat former behaviors... sigh.
update:
for those of you considering tmt, or for those who have completed tmt and are considering dipping a toe back into their illness- i want to share some recent happenings in my life, hoping that it can impact you in a way that promotes recovery.
yes, the stigma of an eating disorder is heavy and ugly and UNAVOIDABLE. people KNOWING is scary. i was afraid that if i accepted the diagnosis of having an eating disorder that who i am as a good person would be questioned, that my abilities would be questioned, that my credibility would be questioned, that my motherhood would be questioned. and i'm here to tell you???? that yes, it WILL all be questioned. but, NOT accepting the diagnosis in order to recover will only solidify that all in your life should and will be questioned for very substantial reasons.
i couldn't see that. i truly believed that if i could talk myself into believing that i didn't have an eating disorder then others would believe it also. not true.
so i'm here to tell you: no matter what you do when you have an eating disorder, facing the FEAR of people knowing is inevitable. and facing the FEAR of how people will perceive you is ALSO in inevitable. but it's better to face it all as you ACCEPT your diagnosis, follow through with tmt, and move forward with recovery. the cat will be out of the bag regardless- better to have the posisitve fire-walking on your side, you know?
i'm blathering on about this, b/c my family was very concerned that my ex-husband would try to manipulate our custody agreement if i did NOT take the appropriate steps toward accepting that i was ill and doing something about it- aka: going into tmt. shockingly, my ex-husband was very supportive, cheering me on, soothing my worries by telling me that he would never use this to try to take the kids from me. he volunteered to take the kids full-time and for me to take all the time that i needed in tmt.
had i not gone into tmt when i did, my ex-husband truly WOULD have had many reasons to be worried. but i faced the fear, walked through all that fire, and am now home.
and luckily i faced those fears when i did. luckily, i have had practice dealing with scary shit. tmt gave me a safe place to face some scary shit and to practice dealing appropriately with facing it. b/c let's face it. life goes on whether we like it or not. scary shit will CONTINUE to present itself to us... b/c that's LIFE. so no matter WHAT we take a deep breath over and FACE, telling ourselves that it's the ONLY fear or the LAST fear is simply a lie.
my point is that we will all get to a crossroads where we have to face things of which are afraid. and that crossroads will NEVER disappear.
wow, lots of rambling to get to my point. please forgive me.
the day after i returned home from tmt, my ex-husband presented me with legal paperwork stating that he is filing for full custody of our children. you can imagine my shock and surprise.... and fear and fear and fear and fear. i thought that accepting all this and going to tmt would ALLEVIATE such action. but life IS unpredictable. and mean people pretending to be nice will always exist.
i know this could have happened pre-tmt. if it had, the way in which i would have handled it all would look VERY DIFFERENT.... and would definitely have been the WRONG way. but...it didn't happen pre-tmt. it is happening now.
i had a meeting with my attorney yesterday who stated that my best recourse is to do nothing. he has no facts to bring to the table, so trying to defend myself against false accusations is a waste of time and money.
we have mediation set up for this coming monday. thankfully my atty will be present. my job will be to sit still and look pretty. i can handle that directive.
having accepted the diagnosis and having gone into tmt and continuing with therapy are all aspects that work IN my favor. i'll admit that i was convinced that if i did all those things, then all the threats in my life would dissapate. folks, life g-o-e-s on... in ways we are not comfortable with. this was bound to happen at one point or another....and so will other looming, fearful life events.
i am trying to be calm. i am trying not to worry incessantly. i am trying not to allow the disdain that i feel toward my ex-husband poison my soul. pre-tmt, i could have never done this gracefully.
so, no matter WHAT it is that you are avoiding or are afraid of, it is likely to happen ANYWAY. being in a position to REALLY BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT AND TO BE ABLE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF is the best place you can put yourself. life does not stop just b/c we avoid it or b/c we want to wish it away.
i am confident that my ex-husband will be pleased with himself regardless the outcome. he wants to be *heard*. he wants an audience to witness his name-calling tactics. he wants to punish me monetarily. i believe that he simply wants to scare me. he will accomplish ALL these things and more.... but does NOT have any substance with which to justify his claims. going to tmt works IN my favor- not against me.
so, the entire time that i have been home, i have been feeling the underlying pressure of this threat. i have been worried and upset, angry and confused, confident and scared. but.... that's life. no, big threats of going to court may not present themselves every day forever, but scary aspects of life WILL continue to present- regardless of where we are in recovery. isn't it better to have a foundation of real work? rather than trying to rely on what you'd like to WISH your life to be? i can state with confidence that i have worked my ass off in tmt. i have facts to back it. i am living proof that i have actually done the work. THAT, my sisters, is what will pull me through difficult times in life- not denial, starvation, backsliding, excuses, or trying to wish it all away.
i hope that this does not scare anyone away from acceptance and tmt. this is not happening to me BECAUSE i went to tmt. it is happening b/c it is happening. nothing more. nothing less. if my ex-husband wants to USE the fact that i went to tmt AGAINST ME, bring it on! if he wants to try to scare me, bring it on! if he wants to resort to stigma and name-calling, bring it on! going into tmt works FOR ME not AGAINST ME.
so please, sisters..... regardless of the hell of recovery, please try see that the horrific-ness of it WILL pay off. it's soooooo much better than the hell that was before. and facing your fears gets easier. it really does. and all the hell that you can't STAND is is is is working FOR you. it really is.
many thanks for your patience reading this jumbled mess that i am presenting. remembering that life IS hard helps. remembering that the hell of recovery WILL end and WILL work in your favor helps. i know it's difficult; i'm by no means claiming a perfect recovery. but i'm better off right now than i ever have been before when it comes to dealing with the disappointments that life will inevitably bring.
sending out loving vibes into the universe for all my sisterhood!!!!
namaste
amy xoxo
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