what do you do with anger? what am i SUPPOSED to do with anger? have you ever felt so much anger that you are eerily too calm? have you ever felt so angry that any small irritation could send your vesuvius into eruption? have you ever wanted to scream- but just couldn't find the right place to ACTUALLY scream? i mean WHERE DOES one go to actually SCREAM? have you ever felt like throwing things? have you ever ACTUALLY thrown things? i have. i have created far more of a mess by throwing and breaking things- humiliating and a bitch of a clean-up. that was years ago. now my arm twitches with restraint.
anger. just writing the word riles me. hmmm, it's just a feeling, an emotion, a signal of *something*. anger itself is not bad. but what i DO about my anger can be..... most folks don't celebrate anger... or host a party for it... or get excited about it. handling anger, coping with it, moving through it, surviving it- is such a delicate dance.
i'm trapped b/t twitching with restraint, fighting my urge to fucking scream- and sitting calmly watching life continue. i'm sure there are some greys b/t throwing a screaming tantrum and doing nothing. my compass is broken. i can not find anything in b/t.
self-care, comfort, soothing, distraction... so difficult when anger prevails. it blankets my soul like heavy, wet wool... uncomfortable, scratchy and irritating, messy..... finding my way out from under this blanket in order to comfort myself sounds impossible and unreasonable. suffering, sorrow, blind-rage all feel appropriate and very possible and very reasonable. sigh.
and for what it's worth, anger does NOT last forever. it does subside. but without proper skills to cope appropriately, it can FEEL like it lasts forever, and it can hurt more than necessary.
it is so difficult, my sisters, to be simply human. being human is far more difficult than i'd like for it to be. sigh.
my angry soul bows in respect to all of yours....
amy xoxo
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