well, well, fucking well.... i'm here to write after a week's worth of soul-shattering anger.
i know i mentioned that my ex-hub was trying to *take me to court* over the kids. we attended mediation monday.....and discussed the parenting-time school sched... AND THAT WAS IT. please don't misunderstand; i couldn't be happier that he did not go into the detail that the legal paperwork, with which he had presented me, had. but what hurts me and disappoints me is that we already had the sched figured out. and every year, we chat about it sans atties and mediators. so heading to mediation to waste everyone's time and to spend FAR TOO MUCH MONEY to discuss something that was already in place was POINTLESS.
the mediator assured me in private that he believed that the ex-hub was frustrated once he actually HAD to care for the kids for four months [while i was in tmt] that he prob snapped. his anger was made known through the paperwork. and that b/c i didn't cave and give in, but rather stood my ground, he knew i was protected ALSO under the parenting agreement....and just let it fizzle out.
well, you'd think that i would have thrown a party or something that i not only did NOT have to defend myself against anything- but that NOTHING was even brought up to suggest that he could contest anything that i do.... but NO. once i got into my van, i started to cry...and talk outloud...and clench my teeth. i quickly became hysterical and don't remember driving. luckily my mama had the kids at the pool and said she would bring them to me later--- so sucking it up for the sake of others was no longer an ordeal. so i screamed and cried...for three hours. i didn't know that i was THAT angry and upset over how i was being treated.
cts: at my therapy appointment wed, my therapist blurts out that *group* begins next tues. i had asked for a head's up... but i really meant far more in advance that this! aaaaah. i REALLY don't want to go to group. i know i will benefit. i know that i've been longing for a tmt-type group.... but i'm tentative. i'm afraid. i'm not ready yet. i get a tummy ache thinking about it.
oh, and i was coerced into making an appointment with a nutritionist----- black-mailed actually. but???? i finally fucking did it. it is this next tues afternoon- yep! and then that night i have fucking *group*! talk about a day from hell. sigh.
cts again: so, i have strict recommendations to stay away from the vegan mindset. but here's my dilemma: i am having such a difficult time CHOOSING to consume dairy. i'm finding it far too disturbing.... so although i am supposed to stay AWAY from vegan alternatives for fear that they will lead to further restriction, i opted for soy yogurt and for almond milk today while grocery shopping. it is NOT to restrict but rather to GET the bite into my mouth. i won't go NEAR cereal with cow's milk- but the chances are exponentially greater if it's with almond milk. and i LOVE yogurt- but am entirely too disturbed and repulsed by it to go near it. so rather than letting it go bad in my fridge, i purchased the soy version to UP the chances of it getting into my body.
while all of this makes a shit-load, shload, shit-ton of sense to me, it is truly my best effort at consuming NOT restricting. i hope that it is viewed as such in the peripheral outside my tunnel-vision.
short and sweet update:
i still hate food. i hate to talk about food and how i feel about it. my therapist is magic b/c she ellicits info from me even when i feel unwilling. i have not done the greatest job the past couple of days when it comes to consumption, but i have felt good. it's a different kind of good. sure, i feel that fab emptiness that i fucking love.... but this good-feeling is from- i hate to admit this- from talking. i'm sort of... h-a-p-p-y. i feel like i have a better grasp on myself and why i am the way i am sometimes. i'm just not so cryptic to myself lately. but i don't know WHAT the lack of consumption is all about. but? i am being honest- here and with my therapist.... so there's hope for me yet, eh?
i am grateful for the time you took to read this.
namaste, my sweet sisterhood....
amy xoxoxoxoxxoxoox
No comments:
Post a Comment