good morning, sweet sisterhood....
i wish i had some better reasons for WHY i do the stupid shit that i do. i know that continuing to do things MY WAY, the way that DOES NOT WORK, is simply relentless disappointment and dangerous. and yet, without the structure of a treatment center, i revert back to my *insanity* by constantly doing things the same dumb-ass ways as i bitch about and wish that the quality of my life would rise. the quality of my life ain't goin' nowhere but down if i rely on wishing my life to be better.
am i expecting too much from myself too soon? am i supposed to expect slips and falls and bumps and bruises once i'm *finished* with treatment? or am i supposed to be more on-target? if the latter is true, i could really hate myself far more than i already do..... but although i don't *throw in the towel* at the end of every day, i admit that i DO justify future idiosyncrasies by focusing on past and present idiosyncratic mishaps. the answers to these questions are subjectively different for each of us. and i don't believe that any of them will be answered for me until i establish an aftercare treatment plan.
i know i tend to ramble and flower-up what it is that i'm trying to say.... and that's exactly what i have been doing here. i have something SPECIFIC that is bothering me, and yet i dance around it all with general insinuations.
yesterday, i had my proverbial power fucking bar in the morning. i was left alone for lunch and snack....and i kept busy and *conveniently* partook in NEITHER. by dinner, i could have EASILY floated into evening's slumber without having put a single bite into my mouth. but here's where it all gets problematic and i become so very upset with myself. instead of floating into slumber on the gentle wave of emptiness, it was suggested that we get pizza. again, i must re-iterate how EASILY I COULD HAVE refused and slipped into extreme emptiness. but instead, b/c of having a caring audience, i agreed to pizza. and thus the obsessive dilemma began. my brain starts an argument with my mouth commanding my mouth to settle the fuck down b/c i will NOT allow myself to eat [taste] too much no matter how amazing it TASTES.
but my mouth is so excited to TASTE that i overeat [by MY standards], have no idea if i'm satiated, full, or overly-full..... and by the time my brain gets the signal the signal that my tummy has had enough, I AM MISERABLE! did i enjoy the taste? HELL YEAH! was it WORTH IT? H-E-L-L NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i end up dangling on the edge of torturous fullness, hating myself, dying to vomit, feeling all the more confused by how this particular situation progressed.......
oh the fucking irony. i want so badly to be able to get the fucking bite into my mouth..... and sometimes when i do i feel like i can't stop when I WANT TO STOP. wishing to hate all food when i just wish i could eat like everyone else does is exhausting.
and to make matters WORSE [oh yeah, sisterhood, my worries continue], we ran into a friend who has not seen me since b/f i went into treatment. each time polite eye contact was sent my way, i panicked that i looked *fat* [not a fan of that word and will not use it often. my apologies for the offensiveness of that fucking word].
and i wondered this morning why i didn't sleep well last night. in retrospect, i can remember my thoughts during the night reaching obsessive levels. i combed over every single moment of the evening: from my choice NOT to slip into extreme emptiness, to eating too much, to feeling like i was on display as a much larger person. it all makes sense now, eh? no sleep for the weary............
today is a new day. bitching about all this does not CHANGE A DAMN THING. action is what will bring about change. i feel like shit. i hate food. i want emptiness. i miss bones and spaces. feeling all that will NOT bring about any change in my life. action action action.
i ate my power fucking bar this morning, and have signed a contract to mp each night b/f... for a month [baby steps]. i HAVE a mp for today... now i just need to push myself to follow it.
i am grateful for your reading-eyes. I CAN NOT EAT UNLESS I HONESTLY EXPRESS MYSELF. i am learning that there simply isn't room inside me for both food and powerful emotion. today, although i truly WANT EMPTINESS, i know that dangerous path will continue to lower and dull the quality of my life.... so i must eat- and consequently i must express myself. hating BOTH, i know that wishing and hating and bitching CHANGES NOTHING.
many thanks for you attentiveness. recovery is HELL! but i'll be DAMNED if i didn't spent four months in treatment to simply fucking give up. soooooooo, trudging through hell seems to be my only option at this point. your attention and support mean the world to me.
i love you, sisterhood....
namaste....
amy xoxo
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
anger replaced with.... anger
this morning i thought i'd put some of that ANGRY energy to work for GOOD RATHER THAN EVIL. sooooooooooo, i did some research. the therapist that i am presently seeing [and will likely stay with going toward] also runs a *group*. OF COURSE, the group costs a substantial amount of money. and due to my recent stint in a resort---uh, i mean treatment center--- my funds are limited if not non-existent presently.
EVERYTHING COSTS SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY! i did, however, call my ins co and have my benefits and member costs explained.... and possibly- JUST POSSIBLY- i MIGHT be able to swing indv therapy and the group therapy.... but chances are thin..... esp since financial armageddon is quickly approaching our nation......
this is all such a fucking pain in my ass. not only do i have to secure MY OWN aftercare- which if any of you have met me, you KNOW it is almost impossible for me to do on my own- i have to figure out HOW TO PAY FOR IT! it was the most heart-breaking decision to put my saving to use for a TREATMENT CENTER..... and NOW?????? more and more and more and more monies are going toward all this eating disorder shit!!!!!! i'm fucking sick of all this!
and although i really am not as dumb as i play sometimes, i TRULY DID NOT consider the outrageous costs of AFTERCARE!
so while i have been bitching about not having the proper step-down treatment and while i have been hating myself for either dragging my feet about it or for moving forward with it, i hadn't considered the fucking COSTS!
i'd love to be able to report that right now i'm in tears.... but i am tooo ANGRY AND TOOOOO FRUSTRATED TO EVEN CRY!
so as my previous anger was used as motivation to research and help myself, it simply made more room for NEW anger to grow and EXPLODE!
deep breath.
last night after i'd blogged, i visited fb......and two angel-sisters instant-messaged me simultaneously. it's exactly what i needed. i furiously pecked and was grateful for the responses. i sobbed uncontrollably.... i cried myself to sleep............... i am grateful for my sisters and wish so badly to in their presence- but the reality is that i need to learn to be there for myself. sigh. i love you, sweet angel-sissies!
i must sign-off for now....
more later
namaste
amy xo
EVERYTHING COSTS SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY! i did, however, call my ins co and have my benefits and member costs explained.... and possibly- JUST POSSIBLY- i MIGHT be able to swing indv therapy and the group therapy.... but chances are thin..... esp since financial armageddon is quickly approaching our nation......
this is all such a fucking pain in my ass. not only do i have to secure MY OWN aftercare- which if any of you have met me, you KNOW it is almost impossible for me to do on my own- i have to figure out HOW TO PAY FOR IT! it was the most heart-breaking decision to put my saving to use for a TREATMENT CENTER..... and NOW?????? more and more and more and more monies are going toward all this eating disorder shit!!!!!! i'm fucking sick of all this!
and although i really am not as dumb as i play sometimes, i TRULY DID NOT consider the outrageous costs of AFTERCARE!
so while i have been bitching about not having the proper step-down treatment and while i have been hating myself for either dragging my feet about it or for moving forward with it, i hadn't considered the fucking COSTS!
i'd love to be able to report that right now i'm in tears.... but i am tooo ANGRY AND TOOOOO FRUSTRATED TO EVEN CRY!
so as my previous anger was used as motivation to research and help myself, it simply made more room for NEW anger to grow and EXPLODE!
deep breath.
last night after i'd blogged, i visited fb......and two angel-sisters instant-messaged me simultaneously. it's exactly what i needed. i furiously pecked and was grateful for the responses. i sobbed uncontrollably.... i cried myself to sleep............... i am grateful for my sisters and wish so badly to in their presence- but the reality is that i need to learn to be there for myself. sigh. i love you, sweet angel-sissies!
i must sign-off for now....
more later
namaste
amy xo
Monday, July 18, 2011
ALL to NOTHING, furiously writes the woman with drawers...
i must apologize before i even begin this mess of ramblings.... sometimes, my fingertips TINGLE with the need to write. and during some of those times, my synapses will fire uncontrollably as my personal, bubbling vesuvius ERRUPTS!
there's NOTHING out there- no books, videos, memoires, NOTHING- that indicates that eating disorder recovery IS A WORSE HELL THAN THE DISEASE ITSELF! maybe it's a good thing that there's nothing out there indicating such- perhaps people would be too frightened to begin the journey. but this fucking process is so much more hellish than i could have ever imagined!!!!!!!! if i didn't have others with which to compare, i would think that i'm going MORE crazy, and i would ABANDON THIS HELL! tears.
i don't know. maybe i'd have been more prepared to feel so HORRIBLE AND MISERABLE if i'd known that this was going to be sooooooooo b-a-d. i just feel blind-sided, smacked in the fucking face! ill-prepared and tentative.... each step is a fucking scaredy-cat tip-toe. i hate this i hate this i hate this!
and yeah, treatment was the ONLY way to interrupt all that was happening to me. I DO UNDERSTAND THAT. but it's such an artificial environment... that just THREW me back into the world where NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a better step-down treatment. the dynamics of everything i do are off and different and scewed. it feels as though the existential foundation of EVERYTHING in my life is crumbling. SHOULDN'T THE OPPOSITE BE OCCURRING? you know, b/c now i'm free from the fucking psych unit and have gone through COUNTLESS hours of therapy? shouldn't i be able to piece things together BETTER NOW? rather than feel so timid about approaching anything for fear that how different i am now might cause it all to crash???????
for gawd's sakes, it's just fucking food. and i simply fucking HATE IT IN MY BODY! i hate feeling ill all the time. oh but i can contradict myself at a moment's notice and correct myself by saying that i really actually love feeling ill............. but it's the *ill* that I BRING ON- not the *ill* that food brings on. I HATE THIS! nothing feels RIGHT! AND REALLY???????????? ALL BECAUSE OF SOME CALORIE SCRIPT THAT SOMEHOW H-U-R-T-S ME?????? pathetic.
from ALL to NOTHING. yep fucking NOTHING! every moment of my time, every thought in my head, every breath that i took were all consumed with this fucking illness----------- and treatment insulated me from myself and from the world. and now?????? NOTHING! oh sure, i've a laundry list of recommendations that i want to blow all to HELL! b/c doing it ALONE IS IS IS IS IS HELLLLLLLLLLLL!
and again, could i hate myself any more by reducing it all to me just not wanting to eat food? just fucking eat, amy, and get the fuck over it!!!!!!!! good god damn! i hate myself.
deep breath. i feel angry and frustrated and forgotten and hopeless. i'm exhausting the hell out of myself.... but THAT'S nothing new. shit.
thank you again for reading. my fingertips are flying and my vesuvius is errupting. i hate feeling like this. empty, numb, complacent, dull- now THAT'S how i like things............. pretty low quality of life, though.
time to find my lid and to push it all down............
[i am a woman with drawers....and a burning giraffe ---- salvador dali painting]
tears......
namaste
xo
Saturday, July 9, 2011
the morning after........
aaaaah, the morning after..... after a fam damily dinner at my mama's.....
it's frightening to see the familiar beat of the family drum being followed regardless of the obvious dysfunction. i'm not claiming that my fam is any different than any other family with it's strange yet familiar dynamic... let's face it: we all have it, you know? and while some members of our family recognize it and others do not, it is just a unique perspective that one has when removed from their entire life and placed into tmt.
i know i've written it countless times, and i sadly need to peck it out once again: the transition back into every day life post-tmt is an enigmatic difficulty.
i am choosing to peck out this recollection of yesterday's events- not to negatively criticize anyone in my fam- but to emphasize that simply because I HAVE CHANGED that it does not indicate AT ALL that others around me have or will...
yesterday, my mama hosted a fam gathering for her hub's bday. i LOVE my family! i LOVE my step-family! please read NO hint of sarcasm in my capitalization of *love*. i truly love getting together with everyone in my fam and extended fam and not only appreciate all differences for what they are- but i enjoy them also.
my mama has this way of... how should i word this? um.... a way of *snapping* into bitch-mode. it has sadly been the example for me and my two sisters for our entire lives. when my mama ISN'T losing it, she is kind and generous and actually a lot of fun. but something subtle will occur that causes the scales to tip- and out of no where, my mama is one scary bitch who can be settled down by NOTHING. THIS makes not only the anticipation to family events but ALSO the actual fam event very stressful [at least for me, anyway]. i try to let it be HER problem. but WOW, when she basically THROWS the icecream scoop at her hub because she got upset over the kids eating too much chicken, it's difficult to IGNORE THAT.
plus? like myself, my mama has had nothing in her life but her *smallness* to validate her as a worthwhile person. so although i have made it clear COUNTLESS times over the course of my life that yammering on and on about weight makes me uncomfortable, she does little to care for her blurts. arriving first yesterday, my mama commented to me that she saw some cute dresses that made her think of me and one of my sisters......THEN, she mindlessly rambles on about how the dress wouldn't look good on someone short and heavy which is why she DIDN'T include my other sister. WOWOWOWOWOW, REALLY? is she EVER going to get it through her skull that talking like that serves NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!!!! my other sis is happily married, has a great job as a teacher, is a very attractive woman, has a wonderful personality, is easy-going and very generous, and simply is not a TWIG.....and all my mama EVER has to comment on re: her is her weight. IT ENRAGES ME!
thankfully my sis was not around to accidentally overhear ANY of what my mama blurted...
i know that i have the ability to approach my mama and to talk to her. i've done it in the past, and i'm perfectly [actually at this crossroads in my life i'm MORE] capable of doing it again. but some things simply AREN'T worth the consequences. my mama has a bad habit of suddenly being the martyrous victim in ALL situations.... and if i talk to her about this [again], she will abruptly tell me how stupid and worthless she is, what a terrible person i must think she is, and that if your mama can't say the truth about her daughters, then who can? i've heard it ALLLLLLL before. and i'm not sure if my talking to her is worth the fallout afterwords... fuck me.
so this morning, i woke up feeling like i'd been literally thrown under a bus. my body ached. my head hurt. i felt physically beat-up. but there was no real *bus* that hit me. it was the dynamic of my mama and the relentless catering to that dysfunctional family drum-beat that just smashed me. sigh. being a human is exhausting.
please forgive my super-wordiness today.... and please know that i love my mama so very much. i'm just frustrated presently by MY shifting perspective....and by the familial static status quo....
thank you for reading.... i need to head out and get my kids to their dad. it's his weekend. blahhhhhhh. again, being human is exhausting.
all my love, my sisters!!!!!!!
namaste...
amy xoxoxoxoxo
it's frightening to see the familiar beat of the family drum being followed regardless of the obvious dysfunction. i'm not claiming that my fam is any different than any other family with it's strange yet familiar dynamic... let's face it: we all have it, you know? and while some members of our family recognize it and others do not, it is just a unique perspective that one has when removed from their entire life and placed into tmt.
i know i've written it countless times, and i sadly need to peck it out once again: the transition back into every day life post-tmt is an enigmatic difficulty.
i am choosing to peck out this recollection of yesterday's events- not to negatively criticize anyone in my fam- but to emphasize that simply because I HAVE CHANGED that it does not indicate AT ALL that others around me have or will...
yesterday, my mama hosted a fam gathering for her hub's bday. i LOVE my family! i LOVE my step-family! please read NO hint of sarcasm in my capitalization of *love*. i truly love getting together with everyone in my fam and extended fam and not only appreciate all differences for what they are- but i enjoy them also.
my mama has this way of... how should i word this? um.... a way of *snapping* into bitch-mode. it has sadly been the example for me and my two sisters for our entire lives. when my mama ISN'T losing it, she is kind and generous and actually a lot of fun. but something subtle will occur that causes the scales to tip- and out of no where, my mama is one scary bitch who can be settled down by NOTHING. THIS makes not only the anticipation to family events but ALSO the actual fam event very stressful [at least for me, anyway]. i try to let it be HER problem. but WOW, when she basically THROWS the icecream scoop at her hub because she got upset over the kids eating too much chicken, it's difficult to IGNORE THAT.
plus? like myself, my mama has had nothing in her life but her *smallness* to validate her as a worthwhile person. so although i have made it clear COUNTLESS times over the course of my life that yammering on and on about weight makes me uncomfortable, she does little to care for her blurts. arriving first yesterday, my mama commented to me that she saw some cute dresses that made her think of me and one of my sisters......THEN, she mindlessly rambles on about how the dress wouldn't look good on someone short and heavy which is why she DIDN'T include my other sister. WOWOWOWOWOW, REALLY? is she EVER going to get it through her skull that talking like that serves NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!!!! my other sis is happily married, has a great job as a teacher, is a very attractive woman, has a wonderful personality, is easy-going and very generous, and simply is not a TWIG.....and all my mama EVER has to comment on re: her is her weight. IT ENRAGES ME!
thankfully my sis was not around to accidentally overhear ANY of what my mama blurted...
i know that i have the ability to approach my mama and to talk to her. i've done it in the past, and i'm perfectly [actually at this crossroads in my life i'm MORE] capable of doing it again. but some things simply AREN'T worth the consequences. my mama has a bad habit of suddenly being the martyrous victim in ALL situations.... and if i talk to her about this [again], she will abruptly tell me how stupid and worthless she is, what a terrible person i must think she is, and that if your mama can't say the truth about her daughters, then who can? i've heard it ALLLLLLL before. and i'm not sure if my talking to her is worth the fallout afterwords... fuck me.
so this morning, i woke up feeling like i'd been literally thrown under a bus. my body ached. my head hurt. i felt physically beat-up. but there was no real *bus* that hit me. it was the dynamic of my mama and the relentless catering to that dysfunctional family drum-beat that just smashed me. sigh. being a human is exhausting.
please forgive my super-wordiness today.... and please know that i love my mama so very much. i'm just frustrated presently by MY shifting perspective....and by the familial static status quo....
thank you for reading.... i need to head out and get my kids to their dad. it's his weekend. blahhhhhhh. again, being human is exhausting.
all my love, my sisters!!!!!!!
namaste...
amy xoxoxoxoxo
Friday, July 8, 2011
dichotomous ME
good afternoon, my sisterhood. i'm sitting out on my front porch, my *smoke* porch, watching my kiddos scooter in unbearable humidity. but nothing beats being outside, you know?
the strangest thing happened this morning.... for as ashamed as i have been for having no accomplishments, an alternate orientation, and an eating disorder- i OPENED up today to an longtime college friend who just friended me on fb. yep! she told me all about her successes in her career, her publications, her divorce, her children, her travels, etc..... sooooooo, i did it. i was honest without a hint of self-pity. i owned up to my life, my mistakes, my successes, and....... my orientation and eating disorder.
i've spent far too long AVOIDING the subject of companionship... plus, if i ignore my recent tmt-stay, then i am not really talking about anything that is present in my life. so, i took the leap. i haven't heard back from her--- and yet, i am not afraid. whatever it is that she has to say about anything that i wrote, i feel confident that i can handle. the fact that i was me being ME is enough to insulate me from just about any response. it feels GOOD to be me, to be honest, to be free from avoidance.
and now, onto my dichotomous issues.... so if i'm feeling so damned good to be me, why do i do things that indicate that i hate myself? for example: all throughout tmt [treatment], i insisted that i could NOT know my goal-weight, that i could NOT know how much a i weighed day to day, that i could NOT have those numbers in my life ever again! so a week before i'm discharged from tmt, i get all in a lather and STEP ON THE SCALE! talk about hating myself even MORE for doing that.... and wouldn't you know, i've made it a god damned habit again. yep! countless times throughout my day, i remind myself how much i HATE myself by stepping on that fucking scale.
i know what you are thinking: *get rid of that fucking scale, amy!* i know i know... but i can't. and i won't. why why why why why do i allow my self-worth to be measured by a fucking number on a scale? aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so all this pecking out of how good i feel to be honest with a longtime college friend---- and i secretly sabotage that goodness every other moment by making myself SEE my weight! why why why do i do this to myself?????
and here's the deal-closer: i justify EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I DO by telling myself that it's not that bad- it's not bad like it was six months ago.... or that i'm GOING to make mistakes, so i'm just going to LET myself for a while. pathetic.
i remember the last time i stepped on my scale before tmt. i told myself that i would NEVER see that number again! i told myself that relentlessly stepping on the fucking scale would NEVER be a part of my life EVER AGAIN! i told myself that i would work harder than i ever have in my life in order to have something OTHER THAN A LOWER NUMBER to give me a thrill, to make me feel worth something, to make me... happy.
deep breath. i know better. I KNOW BETTER! i cheat my mp. i know my weight. i watch it drop. i'm secretly ECSTATIC. NO NO NO NO NO NO AMY!!!!!! i'm humiliated by the amount of money that was spent on tmt! i would be a fucking fool to mess that up! i can HEAR myself argue with myself. this awareness is HELL!
how hard could this be..... eat. stay away from the scale. like yourself the way you are, for WHO you are, and STOP trying to be someone you are NOT!
this ISN'T vanity. this ISN'T me trying to get attention. i PROMISE you that no one else KNOWS ANY OF THIS. i hide it VERY well and do NOT want that negative attention. i just want to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel better. i HATE that i seek out feeling better through f-o-o-d. tears............
well, that's all for now. i must get a late shower and head out to my mama's house for dinner. yikes- dinner with family.... pray for me, sisters.....
namaste...
amy xoxo
the strangest thing happened this morning.... for as ashamed as i have been for having no accomplishments, an alternate orientation, and an eating disorder- i OPENED up today to an longtime college friend who just friended me on fb. yep! she told me all about her successes in her career, her publications, her divorce, her children, her travels, etc..... sooooooo, i did it. i was honest without a hint of self-pity. i owned up to my life, my mistakes, my successes, and....... my orientation and eating disorder.
i've spent far too long AVOIDING the subject of companionship... plus, if i ignore my recent tmt-stay, then i am not really talking about anything that is present in my life. so, i took the leap. i haven't heard back from her--- and yet, i am not afraid. whatever it is that she has to say about anything that i wrote, i feel confident that i can handle. the fact that i was me being ME is enough to insulate me from just about any response. it feels GOOD to be me, to be honest, to be free from avoidance.
and now, onto my dichotomous issues.... so if i'm feeling so damned good to be me, why do i do things that indicate that i hate myself? for example: all throughout tmt [treatment], i insisted that i could NOT know my goal-weight, that i could NOT know how much a i weighed day to day, that i could NOT have those numbers in my life ever again! so a week before i'm discharged from tmt, i get all in a lather and STEP ON THE SCALE! talk about hating myself even MORE for doing that.... and wouldn't you know, i've made it a god damned habit again. yep! countless times throughout my day, i remind myself how much i HATE myself by stepping on that fucking scale.
i know what you are thinking: *get rid of that fucking scale, amy!* i know i know... but i can't. and i won't. why why why why why do i allow my self-worth to be measured by a fucking number on a scale? aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so all this pecking out of how good i feel to be honest with a longtime college friend---- and i secretly sabotage that goodness every other moment by making myself SEE my weight! why why why do i do this to myself?????
and here's the deal-closer: i justify EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I DO by telling myself that it's not that bad- it's not bad like it was six months ago.... or that i'm GOING to make mistakes, so i'm just going to LET myself for a while. pathetic.
i remember the last time i stepped on my scale before tmt. i told myself that i would NEVER see that number again! i told myself that relentlessly stepping on the fucking scale would NEVER be a part of my life EVER AGAIN! i told myself that i would work harder than i ever have in my life in order to have something OTHER THAN A LOWER NUMBER to give me a thrill, to make me feel worth something, to make me... happy.
deep breath. i know better. I KNOW BETTER! i cheat my mp. i know my weight. i watch it drop. i'm secretly ECSTATIC. NO NO NO NO NO NO AMY!!!!!! i'm humiliated by the amount of money that was spent on tmt! i would be a fucking fool to mess that up! i can HEAR myself argue with myself. this awareness is HELL!
how hard could this be..... eat. stay away from the scale. like yourself the way you are, for WHO you are, and STOP trying to be someone you are NOT!
this ISN'T vanity. this ISN'T me trying to get attention. i PROMISE you that no one else KNOWS ANY OF THIS. i hide it VERY well and do NOT want that negative attention. i just want to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel better. i HATE that i seek out feeling better through f-o-o-d. tears............
well, that's all for now. i must get a late shower and head out to my mama's house for dinner. yikes- dinner with family.... pray for me, sisters.....
namaste...
amy xoxo
Thursday, July 7, 2011
following recommendations?
today, i apparently have a lot on my mind... journaling might help- but seeing as how i don't *officially* have any aftercare presently, THIS will have to do.
so i DID embark on the journey that is grocery-shopping.... i made a grocery list from a rough draft of meals i've planned for the upcoming week. it gets more and more difficult to purchase pre-packaged items... it's becoming more and more difficult to purchase non-vegan items. it becomes more and more difficult to purchase ANYTHING pre-made and processed.
oh- a little background info that would be handy: prior to treatment, i was vegan. i never bought any pre-made frankenfoods. i never purchased anything in individual packages. i never purchased meat, dairy, or eggs, or ANYTHING that had any animal products in them. [sometimes i would buy cheese for my children.] i was as green as could be, and i was ALWAYS in the kitchen concocting my own version of vegan-cheese, or *meats*, making crackers, sometimes breads, cookies, etc. [and sadly not much of my non-vegan creations made it into my mouth...]
my post-treatment recommendations are to continue to eat as i did in treatment, on a schedule, fulfilling my cal script. i am to give up being a vegan [apparently pretty problematic for me in terms of an eating disorder...], to purchase packaged items for exact cal counts, and to continue to challenge myself by choosing foods that i'm not so comfortable eating - let alone having in my HOME! all this was recommended for me to follow for one year. one year. a drop in the bucket of life, right?
FUCK! i haven't been home a month, and i'm MISERABLE!!!!! how hard can this be, i ask you? mp the shit-food. buy the shit-food. eat the shit-food..... for a year. NOT FIVE YEARS! only one year. deep breath.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is this so difficult for me? it seems so fucking simple! i SWEAR i never thought i'd be the kind of post-treatment girlie who would try to cheat the system. i knew i would THINK about it. and after doing the math regarding my OUT-OF-POCKET expenses for treatment, one would THINK that would be motivation ENOUGH.
but instead, i tell myself: i won't let it get that bad THIS time. i won't have to go to TREATMENT again just because i get too full and don't buy challenging foods and have decided to COOK more often..... really amy?????? i didn't work really diligently to produce a red-flag list only to contradict it post-treatment! i mean, come on amy! are they red-flags or not? and would i even be questioning ANY of this if i didn't have people POINTING THIS SHIT OUT TO ME? probably not. another deep breath.
this sucks. this is difficult. this is FAR more difficult that i could have ever imagined it to be! i mean JUST EAT! i know it's not that simple for someone with an eating disorder.... but because i am oh-so fond of pretending like i do NOT have an eating disorder, it's easy for me to get so angry with myself. four months in treatment: i have many skills. SO JUST USE THEM DAMN IT!
is anyone ELSE having a difficult time eating outside their comfortable-safe-foods? does anyone ELSE feel tempted to cheat the cal script because they feel too FULL? is anyone else engaging in red-flag behavior and trying to JUSTIFY IT?
tomorrow is another day... i have an appointment with a therapist this upcoming wednesday. i wish i had faith that once a week would be enough for me. although it seems like i am quickly disregarding this hopeful avenue, i am truly only trying to be realistic.
thank you for reading my endless rambling regarding fucking food. i hate it. i hate my rambling. i hate food. i hate food in my body. i hate attempting to GET the food into my body. i hate KEEPING food IN my body. yet another deep breath.
many thanks, all my love, and namaste- sweet sisterhood----
amy xoxo
so i DID embark on the journey that is grocery-shopping.... i made a grocery list from a rough draft of meals i've planned for the upcoming week. it gets more and more difficult to purchase pre-packaged items... it's becoming more and more difficult to purchase non-vegan items. it becomes more and more difficult to purchase ANYTHING pre-made and processed.
oh- a little background info that would be handy: prior to treatment, i was vegan. i never bought any pre-made frankenfoods. i never purchased anything in individual packages. i never purchased meat, dairy, or eggs, or ANYTHING that had any animal products in them. [sometimes i would buy cheese for my children.] i was as green as could be, and i was ALWAYS in the kitchen concocting my own version of vegan-cheese, or *meats*, making crackers, sometimes breads, cookies, etc. [and sadly not much of my non-vegan creations made it into my mouth...]
my post-treatment recommendations are to continue to eat as i did in treatment, on a schedule, fulfilling my cal script. i am to give up being a vegan [apparently pretty problematic for me in terms of an eating disorder...], to purchase packaged items for exact cal counts, and to continue to challenge myself by choosing foods that i'm not so comfortable eating - let alone having in my HOME! all this was recommended for me to follow for one year. one year. a drop in the bucket of life, right?
FUCK! i haven't been home a month, and i'm MISERABLE!!!!! how hard can this be, i ask you? mp the shit-food. buy the shit-food. eat the shit-food..... for a year. NOT FIVE YEARS! only one year. deep breath.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is this so difficult for me? it seems so fucking simple! i SWEAR i never thought i'd be the kind of post-treatment girlie who would try to cheat the system. i knew i would THINK about it. and after doing the math regarding my OUT-OF-POCKET expenses for treatment, one would THINK that would be motivation ENOUGH.
but instead, i tell myself: i won't let it get that bad THIS time. i won't have to go to TREATMENT again just because i get too full and don't buy challenging foods and have decided to COOK more often..... really amy?????? i didn't work really diligently to produce a red-flag list only to contradict it post-treatment! i mean, come on amy! are they red-flags or not? and would i even be questioning ANY of this if i didn't have people POINTING THIS SHIT OUT TO ME? probably not. another deep breath.
this sucks. this is difficult. this is FAR more difficult that i could have ever imagined it to be! i mean JUST EAT! i know it's not that simple for someone with an eating disorder.... but because i am oh-so fond of pretending like i do NOT have an eating disorder, it's easy for me to get so angry with myself. four months in treatment: i have many skills. SO JUST USE THEM DAMN IT!
is anyone ELSE having a difficult time eating outside their comfortable-safe-foods? does anyone ELSE feel tempted to cheat the cal script because they feel too FULL? is anyone else engaging in red-flag behavior and trying to JUSTIFY IT?
tomorrow is another day... i have an appointment with a therapist this upcoming wednesday. i wish i had faith that once a week would be enough for me. although it seems like i am quickly disregarding this hopeful avenue, i am truly only trying to be realistic.
thank you for reading my endless rambling regarding fucking food. i hate it. i hate my rambling. i hate food. i hate food in my body. i hate attempting to GET the food into my body. i hate KEEPING food IN my body. yet another deep breath.
many thanks, all my love, and namaste- sweet sisterhood----
amy xoxo
exchanges
a while ago, a friend of mine who is a nurse, was explaining why *exchanges* aren't the best way to go for eating disordered folks. i remember her saying something like *an anorexic, when faced with the decision to pick the average apple, will pick the smallest*. so over time, the smallest things are continually chosen thereby reducing the caloric intake.
i thought to myself: there's no way! there's no way that someone with an eating disorder will consistently choose the smallest *exchange*. i mean what if it's something they really LIKE to eat.... or if they are REALLY hungry???????
well, i'm living proof that she is RIGHT. i can't believe that when i am faced with choosing something like an apple or a pastry at panera, i always go for the smallest..... holy hell! what is that about? i'm truly shocked. i mean I LIKE APPLES! and the caloric value of one that's a smidge bigger wouldn't be that much of a difference- but my brain simply WILL NOT ALLOW me to choose the average-sized one.... i must choose the smaller....
sigh.
i need to run errands and G-R-O-C-E-R-Y shop. it USED to be one of my fav activities EVER. but now i dread it.... more later.
thanks for reading! namaste, my sweet sissies....
xoxoxo
i thought to myself: there's no way! there's no way that someone with an eating disorder will consistently choose the smallest *exchange*. i mean what if it's something they really LIKE to eat.... or if they are REALLY hungry???????
well, i'm living proof that she is RIGHT. i can't believe that when i am faced with choosing something like an apple or a pastry at panera, i always go for the smallest..... holy hell! what is that about? i'm truly shocked. i mean I LIKE APPLES! and the caloric value of one that's a smidge bigger wouldn't be that much of a difference- but my brain simply WILL NOT ALLOW me to choose the average-sized one.... i must choose the smaller....
sigh.
i need to run errands and G-R-O-C-E-R-Y shop. it USED to be one of my fav activities EVER. but now i dread it.... more later.
thanks for reading! namaste, my sweet sissies....
xoxoxo
little bitty times one thousand
i swear, post-treatment, i find myself eating some of the strangest things that i would have NEVER eaten... in my life, really. like power bars. several of my treatment sissies would have one for breakfast: calorically dense, high fat grams, and lots of protein. i SWORE that i would never eat one of those fake frankenfood items! but as time went on, i found them appealing for the same fucking reasons.
i also possess some weird quirks that present some unique issues for me. i'm NOT a fan of chewing; texture can be problematic; smells and tastes are often time *off*; and i love that
E-M-P-T-Y feeling. the less i chew, the more difficult it is when i AM faced with trying to chew. avoiding textures just perpetuates my cycle. refraining from eating because of smells or tastes would simply allow me to refrain MOST of the time. and allowing myself to feel the emptiness that i soooooooo LOVE just makes it harder to eat the next time.
so the fucking power bar prevents my love for the lack of chewing and my emptiness. it forces me to chew something a bit easier. some days the texture makes me crazy, but i do it anyway. sometimes the taste is all wrong- but i do it anyway.
there HAVE been a few days when i have skipped the power bar, opting for more creamer in an additional cup of coffee. i got my cals in so what's the big-ass deal? well, it DEFINITELY made lunch much harder. i felt more empty and WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THAT.... and i hadn't chewed and DIDN'T WANT TO. so embarking on lunch was difficult- which is a precursor to the rest of the day being difficult also. so, i thought that because i was getting in my cals that mp the next day's meals as non-chewing meals would be the solution. solution to what? to getting in all my cals? or to the beginning of game-playing? I THOUGHT i was doing the right thing. but others around me were aware and had no problems pointing out their concerns.....
and that, my sisterhood, is just ONE of the many problematic issues that follows treatment! multiply that little bitty aspect of *the power bar* by about one thousand.... and THAT is how overwhelmed i feel each day with all these small factors that i seem to instinctively *know* how to take care of that apparently are *red flags*. sigh. this is SO difficult.
does anyone else have any strategies they use to prevent issues from cropping up? what are your issues? what is your main daily issue? how do you prefer to get support for these *little* things?
it's quickly approaching my scheduled lunch time. thank god for the schedule. pre-treatment, i was asked to mp and to get into a routine with a schedule..... and do you know what? i didn't even UNDERSTAND what that really meant! such a simple tool- and i had no idea what it meant and couldn't do it. what a long strange trip it's been [grateful dead].
how are you doing with mp and scheduling? is it more difficult than you expected? are you rigid or more flexible? do you jack with your mp? do others eat with you? eat similarly as you? how do you handle social situations?
my processed, prepacked frankenfood lunch is calling my name. although i HATE [and i mean HATE] this type of food, it has helped me re-join society--- in more ways than just being able to eat out at a restaurant..... more later!
namaste, my sweet sisters!
amy xoxo
i also possess some weird quirks that present some unique issues for me. i'm NOT a fan of chewing; texture can be problematic; smells and tastes are often time *off*; and i love that
E-M-P-T-Y feeling. the less i chew, the more difficult it is when i AM faced with trying to chew. avoiding textures just perpetuates my cycle. refraining from eating because of smells or tastes would simply allow me to refrain MOST of the time. and allowing myself to feel the emptiness that i soooooooo LOVE just makes it harder to eat the next time.
so the fucking power bar prevents my love for the lack of chewing and my emptiness. it forces me to chew something a bit easier. some days the texture makes me crazy, but i do it anyway. sometimes the taste is all wrong- but i do it anyway.
there HAVE been a few days when i have skipped the power bar, opting for more creamer in an additional cup of coffee. i got my cals in so what's the big-ass deal? well, it DEFINITELY made lunch much harder. i felt more empty and WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THAT.... and i hadn't chewed and DIDN'T WANT TO. so embarking on lunch was difficult- which is a precursor to the rest of the day being difficult also. so, i thought that because i was getting in my cals that mp the next day's meals as non-chewing meals would be the solution. solution to what? to getting in all my cals? or to the beginning of game-playing? I THOUGHT i was doing the right thing. but others around me were aware and had no problems pointing out their concerns.....
and that, my sisterhood, is just ONE of the many problematic issues that follows treatment! multiply that little bitty aspect of *the power bar* by about one thousand.... and THAT is how overwhelmed i feel each day with all these small factors that i seem to instinctively *know* how to take care of that apparently are *red flags*. sigh. this is SO difficult.
does anyone else have any strategies they use to prevent issues from cropping up? what are your issues? what is your main daily issue? how do you prefer to get support for these *little* things?
it's quickly approaching my scheduled lunch time. thank god for the schedule. pre-treatment, i was asked to mp and to get into a routine with a schedule..... and do you know what? i didn't even UNDERSTAND what that really meant! such a simple tool- and i had no idea what it meant and couldn't do it. what a long strange trip it's been [grateful dead].
how are you doing with mp and scheduling? is it more difficult than you expected? are you rigid or more flexible? do you jack with your mp? do others eat with you? eat similarly as you? how do you handle social situations?
my processed, prepacked frankenfood lunch is calling my name. although i HATE [and i mean HATE] this type of food, it has helped me re-join society--- in more ways than just being able to eat out at a restaurant..... more later!
namaste, my sweet sisters!
amy xoxo
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
today i don't feel like eating ANYthing..... sing it sisters!
today i don't feel like eating anything
i just want to stare at my plate
don't feel like picking up my fork
i hate stouffers; it's such a joke
b/c today i don't feel like eating anything
nothing at all.
bruno mars ain't got nothin' on me, eh????
regardless of how much i DON'T want any bites in my mouth, i have a mp [meal plan] that i must follow. and in the words of my former therapist *EAT ALL YOUR GOD DAMNED CALORIES. i know you don't want to but you need to.* ahhh, such poetry. but i remind myself of that quote whenever that fucking bruno mars tune infiltrates my being.
i was thinking recently [dangerous, right?] about the book *biting anorexia*. although it is sort of a diary of her recovery post-treatment, it's just so scattered. the parts that stand out the most to me now are the ones where she just haphazardly eats her way through her days. where's a schedule? what about a cal script? what did she learn in treatment? whatever she learned, how is she incorporating it into her every day life? eating weird shit here and there just for the hell of it just doesn't seem like the best route to recovery.
perhaps my memory serves me wrong....but that's what i remember from the book- although i read it about two years ago.
part of me wants to go back to some of these memoires and find the parts of recovery that i missed when i read them the first ten times. yep, read them over and over trying to find myself in them. perhaps, if i read them with a different intent, i'll get something MORE out of them. but for now, for what it's worth- i'm staying away. i'm not the biggest fan of the word *triggered*- it simply implies too much helplessness... but nonetheless, i DO FALL PREY to being triggered and want to avoid that presently as much as possible. so looking for recovery in memoires will have to wait until a later date.
soooo, how many of you had a difficult time securing aftercare? my GAWD! what a nightmare! all wrapped up in my blanket of treatment, i was smacked in the face with the reality that nothing that intensive nor that specialized exists in my area. i started making calls and writing emails about a month before i was discharged from treatment. I GOT NOTHING! NO RESPONSES! i chased and chased and chased down the names of places and people that were referred to me. i begged my therapist at home to continue to see me during this messy interim time... she reluctantly agreed and provided a whole new set of names. i landed an appointment with a *specialist* who basically told me that i was out of her league and that even an internationally known specialist that she trained with couldn't help me. WOWOWOWOWWOWOW.
so back to the drawing board. i called three other names. one woman vigilantly played phone tag with me until an appointment time was determined. i've met with her once. she asked all the right [scary] questions... i have another appointment planned. she seems compassionate and knowledgeable. we'll see....
three weeks plus into being home from treatment- it's about fucking TIME that i get something lined up! going from all to nothing is scary and frustrating.
what issues did you encounter trying to secure aftercare? did you have to do it yourself? did someone help you? are you pleased with your aftercare? how did the transition from treatment to op aftercare work out for you? did you find that you missed your treatment therapist?
i hope you enjoyed my song... i've got another one about fucking :) for those of you who know me: you are saying * of COURSE you do *!!!!!!! i have a panera coffee with an extra shot of espresso- so this should be a great beginning to my day!
namaste, my sisterhood...
amy xoxoxo
i just want to stare at my plate
don't feel like picking up my fork
i hate stouffers; it's such a joke
b/c today i don't feel like eating anything
nothing at all.
bruno mars ain't got nothin' on me, eh????
regardless of how much i DON'T want any bites in my mouth, i have a mp [meal plan] that i must follow. and in the words of my former therapist *EAT ALL YOUR GOD DAMNED CALORIES. i know you don't want to but you need to.* ahhh, such poetry. but i remind myself of that quote whenever that fucking bruno mars tune infiltrates my being.
i was thinking recently [dangerous, right?] about the book *biting anorexia*. although it is sort of a diary of her recovery post-treatment, it's just so scattered. the parts that stand out the most to me now are the ones where she just haphazardly eats her way through her days. where's a schedule? what about a cal script? what did she learn in treatment? whatever she learned, how is she incorporating it into her every day life? eating weird shit here and there just for the hell of it just doesn't seem like the best route to recovery.
perhaps my memory serves me wrong....but that's what i remember from the book- although i read it about two years ago.
part of me wants to go back to some of these memoires and find the parts of recovery that i missed when i read them the first ten times. yep, read them over and over trying to find myself in them. perhaps, if i read them with a different intent, i'll get something MORE out of them. but for now, for what it's worth- i'm staying away. i'm not the biggest fan of the word *triggered*- it simply implies too much helplessness... but nonetheless, i DO FALL PREY to being triggered and want to avoid that presently as much as possible. so looking for recovery in memoires will have to wait until a later date.
soooo, how many of you had a difficult time securing aftercare? my GAWD! what a nightmare! all wrapped up in my blanket of treatment, i was smacked in the face with the reality that nothing that intensive nor that specialized exists in my area. i started making calls and writing emails about a month before i was discharged from treatment. I GOT NOTHING! NO RESPONSES! i chased and chased and chased down the names of places and people that were referred to me. i begged my therapist at home to continue to see me during this messy interim time... she reluctantly agreed and provided a whole new set of names. i landed an appointment with a *specialist* who basically told me that i was out of her league and that even an internationally known specialist that she trained with couldn't help me. WOWOWOWOWWOWOW.
so back to the drawing board. i called three other names. one woman vigilantly played phone tag with me until an appointment time was determined. i've met with her once. she asked all the right [scary] questions... i have another appointment planned. she seems compassionate and knowledgeable. we'll see....
three weeks plus into being home from treatment- it's about fucking TIME that i get something lined up! going from all to nothing is scary and frustrating.
what issues did you encounter trying to secure aftercare? did you have to do it yourself? did someone help you? are you pleased with your aftercare? how did the transition from treatment to op aftercare work out for you? did you find that you missed your treatment therapist?
i hope you enjoyed my song... i've got another one about fucking :) for those of you who know me: you are saying * of COURSE you do *!!!!!!! i have a panera coffee with an extra shot of espresso- so this should be a great beginning to my day!
namaste, my sisterhood...
amy xoxoxo
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
recovered- but what about recovery?
i've read a lot of memoirs over the years that tell the horrors of being in the midst of the HELL that eating disorders are. i've read a lot on how people have recovered. i've read a lot of how-to books and life-beyond books. but never have i read anything that involves the true HELL of recovery.
one of the olsen sisters went into treatment and miraculously appeared back in the spotlight as *recovered*. portia wrote an amazing tale involving her *story* but not much about HOW she recovered. and the how-to books just don't portray in written word just how DIFFICULT recovery can be.
by no means am i suggesting that something needs to be published in order to SCARE people away from recovery. i'd just like to see something more realistic- so that WHEN i find the process as hellish as the disease, i don't feel alone in my pain and sorrow.
therefore, i am committing to this blog- a blog about recovery.... the good, bad, and the fucking ugly. because no matter the direction that is taken when an eating disorder develops, there is PAIN AND SUFFERING involved. so why not take the path that leads to the END of that pain and suffering? why not? BECAUSE MOVING AWAY FROM IT FEELS LIKE IT HURTS MORE! but i've heard that it gets better and that recovery isn't linear. an eating disorder IS fairly linear: a straight line to HELL. so i have chosen to walk the more painful, jagged path in the hopes of seeing the end in order to LIVE. because without recovery, an eating disorder either eventually ends in death- or nosedives into hellish quality of life that isn't worth living.
deep breath. i have been home from a four month stay at a treatment center for three weeks. treatment was the BEST thing that could have ever happened for me. i was reluctant and was basically *pushed* into treatment. i wanted a different, *better* life- but didn't know HOW to get it. treatment interrupted what i could not. treatment provided structure, routine, therapy, and others like me. i felt less alone and comforted by NOT being the only one.
and now i am h-o-m-e... omega? quite the contrary. treatment stopped my fall in the pit of hell. treatment provided me with the skills to get myself OUT of the pit. now it is time for me to use what i have learned and make my way out...
think about it. if you had learned the skills and had the tools to climb the side of a mountain but had never ACTUALLY done it outside of a controlled practice venue, your first attempt would be a bit problematic. but as mistakes were made and learned from, the climb would become easier. as the terrain became too rough or too smooth, you would again use trial and error- and you would again learn from those mistakes. over time, your slips and falls and bruises would be part of the process- almost expected, until finally a lot of what you have learned and practiced would become second nature.
i know that eating is NOT climbing. and i know that most folks do not have to LEARN to eat. but an eating disorder- regardless of the underlying issues- manifests itself through food. either eating too much or too little as means to cope becomes far less about hunger and satiation but becomes some sort of coping skill that is used so instinctively incorrectly. so learning to climb and learning to eat CAN actually be compared when specific to an eating disorder.
okay, now to the truth. i HAVE been meal planning. i've missed maybe three days. i have NOT however been FOLLOWING my meal plan. it is simply too easy not to. the environment shouldn't matter- but i'm here to tell you that it DOES! following through in treatment is far different than following through once you are home. just eat. i mean seriously! just eat! i didn't go through four months of treatment to come home and blow it.
so treatment is NOT the end: it is the BEGINNING of what i must do for myself. no one can MAKE me eat. no one can MAKE me practice and use the skills that i have learned. no one can to that for me but ME. and i can't reside in treatment FOREVER. once stable, the goal is to leave and climb on..... sigh. my climbing skills are lacking.....
how did you feel when you came home from treatment? were you prepared for life without so much structure? what was the most difficult initially?
i would love as much interaction as possible. and btw: i've chosen to blog rather than to post on a support group b/c i know that my perspective here will be pretty messy, ugly, and full of expletives. it just may not be the most appropriate discussions for a support group.
so please! tell me what you think! and i will keep journaling as i navigate my way OUT of this hellish pit.
all my love, my sisterhood...
namaste,
amy xo
one of the olsen sisters went into treatment and miraculously appeared back in the spotlight as *recovered*. portia wrote an amazing tale involving her *story* but not much about HOW she recovered. and the how-to books just don't portray in written word just how DIFFICULT recovery can be.
by no means am i suggesting that something needs to be published in order to SCARE people away from recovery. i'd just like to see something more realistic- so that WHEN i find the process as hellish as the disease, i don't feel alone in my pain and sorrow.
therefore, i am committing to this blog- a blog about recovery.... the good, bad, and the fucking ugly. because no matter the direction that is taken when an eating disorder develops, there is PAIN AND SUFFERING involved. so why not take the path that leads to the END of that pain and suffering? why not? BECAUSE MOVING AWAY FROM IT FEELS LIKE IT HURTS MORE! but i've heard that it gets better and that recovery isn't linear. an eating disorder IS fairly linear: a straight line to HELL. so i have chosen to walk the more painful, jagged path in the hopes of seeing the end in order to LIVE. because without recovery, an eating disorder either eventually ends in death- or nosedives into hellish quality of life that isn't worth living.
deep breath. i have been home from a four month stay at a treatment center for three weeks. treatment was the BEST thing that could have ever happened for me. i was reluctant and was basically *pushed* into treatment. i wanted a different, *better* life- but didn't know HOW to get it. treatment interrupted what i could not. treatment provided structure, routine, therapy, and others like me. i felt less alone and comforted by NOT being the only one.
and now i am h-o-m-e... omega? quite the contrary. treatment stopped my fall in the pit of hell. treatment provided me with the skills to get myself OUT of the pit. now it is time for me to use what i have learned and make my way out...
think about it. if you had learned the skills and had the tools to climb the side of a mountain but had never ACTUALLY done it outside of a controlled practice venue, your first attempt would be a bit problematic. but as mistakes were made and learned from, the climb would become easier. as the terrain became too rough or too smooth, you would again use trial and error- and you would again learn from those mistakes. over time, your slips and falls and bruises would be part of the process- almost expected, until finally a lot of what you have learned and practiced would become second nature.
i know that eating is NOT climbing. and i know that most folks do not have to LEARN to eat. but an eating disorder- regardless of the underlying issues- manifests itself through food. either eating too much or too little as means to cope becomes far less about hunger and satiation but becomes some sort of coping skill that is used so instinctively incorrectly. so learning to climb and learning to eat CAN actually be compared when specific to an eating disorder.
okay, now to the truth. i HAVE been meal planning. i've missed maybe three days. i have NOT however been FOLLOWING my meal plan. it is simply too easy not to. the environment shouldn't matter- but i'm here to tell you that it DOES! following through in treatment is far different than following through once you are home. just eat. i mean seriously! just eat! i didn't go through four months of treatment to come home and blow it.
so treatment is NOT the end: it is the BEGINNING of what i must do for myself. no one can MAKE me eat. no one can MAKE me practice and use the skills that i have learned. no one can to that for me but ME. and i can't reside in treatment FOREVER. once stable, the goal is to leave and climb on..... sigh. my climbing skills are lacking.....
how did you feel when you came home from treatment? were you prepared for life without so much structure? what was the most difficult initially?
i would love as much interaction as possible. and btw: i've chosen to blog rather than to post on a support group b/c i know that my perspective here will be pretty messy, ugly, and full of expletives. it just may not be the most appropriate discussions for a support group.
so please! tell me what you think! and i will keep journaling as i navigate my way OUT of this hellish pit.
all my love, my sisterhood...
namaste,
amy xo
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