aaaaah, the morning after..... after a fam damily dinner at my mama's.....
it's frightening to see the familiar beat of the family drum being followed regardless of the obvious dysfunction. i'm not claiming that my fam is any different than any other family with it's strange yet familiar dynamic... let's face it: we all have it, you know? and while some members of our family recognize it and others do not, it is just a unique perspective that one has when removed from their entire life and placed into tmt.
i know i've written it countless times, and i sadly need to peck it out once again: the transition back into every day life post-tmt is an enigmatic difficulty.
i am choosing to peck out this recollection of yesterday's events- not to negatively criticize anyone in my fam- but to emphasize that simply because I HAVE CHANGED that it does not indicate AT ALL that others around me have or will...
yesterday, my mama hosted a fam gathering for her hub's bday. i LOVE my family! i LOVE my step-family! please read NO hint of sarcasm in my capitalization of *love*. i truly love getting together with everyone in my fam and extended fam and not only appreciate all differences for what they are- but i enjoy them also.
my mama has this way of... how should i word this? um.... a way of *snapping* into bitch-mode. it has sadly been the example for me and my two sisters for our entire lives. when my mama ISN'T losing it, she is kind and generous and actually a lot of fun. but something subtle will occur that causes the scales to tip- and out of no where, my mama is one scary bitch who can be settled down by NOTHING. THIS makes not only the anticipation to family events but ALSO the actual fam event very stressful [at least for me, anyway]. i try to let it be HER problem. but WOW, when she basically THROWS the icecream scoop at her hub because she got upset over the kids eating too much chicken, it's difficult to IGNORE THAT.
plus? like myself, my mama has had nothing in her life but her *smallness* to validate her as a worthwhile person. so although i have made it clear COUNTLESS times over the course of my life that yammering on and on about weight makes me uncomfortable, she does little to care for her blurts. arriving first yesterday, my mama commented to me that she saw some cute dresses that made her think of me and one of my sisters......THEN, she mindlessly rambles on about how the dress wouldn't look good on someone short and heavy which is why she DIDN'T include my other sister. WOWOWOWOWOW, REALLY? is she EVER going to get it through her skull that talking like that serves NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!!!! my other sis is happily married, has a great job as a teacher, is a very attractive woman, has a wonderful personality, is easy-going and very generous, and simply is not a TWIG.....and all my mama EVER has to comment on re: her is her weight. IT ENRAGES ME!
thankfully my sis was not around to accidentally overhear ANY of what my mama blurted...
i know that i have the ability to approach my mama and to talk to her. i've done it in the past, and i'm perfectly [actually at this crossroads in my life i'm MORE] capable of doing it again. but some things simply AREN'T worth the consequences. my mama has a bad habit of suddenly being the martyrous victim in ALL situations.... and if i talk to her about this [again], she will abruptly tell me how stupid and worthless she is, what a terrible person i must think she is, and that if your mama can't say the truth about her daughters, then who can? i've heard it ALLLLLLL before. and i'm not sure if my talking to her is worth the fallout afterwords... fuck me.
so this morning, i woke up feeling like i'd been literally thrown under a bus. my body ached. my head hurt. i felt physically beat-up. but there was no real *bus* that hit me. it was the dynamic of my mama and the relentless catering to that dysfunctional family drum-beat that just smashed me. sigh. being a human is exhausting.
please forgive my super-wordiness today.... and please know that i love my mama so very much. i'm just frustrated presently by MY shifting perspective....and by the familial static status quo....
thank you for reading.... i need to head out and get my kids to their dad. it's his weekend. blahhhhhhh. again, being human is exhausting.
all my love, my sisters!!!!!!!
namaste...
amy xoxoxoxoxo
It is so hard to hear other people comment and talking about bodies and figures and weight and numbers (especially someone we love) being there is already a constant dialogue about it in our heads. At least for me, one of the only things that helps to quiet the voices a bit is the "comfort" knowing that IT IS IN MY HEAD and no one else is really noticing those things... so to hear other people talk about it outloud is like a shot in the foot and the voices get to scream at me, "SEE WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!"
ReplyDeleteAs you mention in your post, however, I must remind myself that *I* can not allow myself to play the "martyrous victim" (even if someone else is doing so) when it comes to things like weight and numbers and other peoples' minds. Regardless of what words I hear come out of their mouths I have the choice *cough* of what actions to take and can not allow myself to justify any decision I make with the "well I heard something that makes this bad decision okay."
It's a constant fight, a constant battle and so much god damn easier said than done.
namaste amy <3
-EM
i know what you mean, em *cough*.
ReplyDeletethe constant battle is the aspect of recovery that is mine-all-mine. sure, it SEEMED to have dissipated while in treatment- in a way that was manageable- because of the incredibly *safe* environment that only treatment can provide. then???? being plopped BACK into the reality of the REAL WORLD allows the battle to become far more confusing and difficult. blahhhh, that ALL to n-o-t-h-i-n-g is a killer.
yep. that battle is sooooo much easier said than done. namaste, sweet sister... xo