i must apologize before i even begin this mess of ramblings.... sometimes, my fingertips TINGLE with the need to write. and during some of those times, my synapses will fire uncontrollably as my personal, bubbling vesuvius ERRUPTS!
there's NOTHING out there- no books, videos, memoires, NOTHING- that indicates that eating disorder recovery IS A WORSE HELL THAN THE DISEASE ITSELF! maybe it's a good thing that there's nothing out there indicating such- perhaps people would be too frightened to begin the journey. but this fucking process is so much more hellish than i could have ever imagined!!!!!!!! if i didn't have others with which to compare, i would think that i'm going MORE crazy, and i would ABANDON THIS HELL! tears.
i don't know. maybe i'd have been more prepared to feel so HORRIBLE AND MISERABLE if i'd known that this was going to be sooooooooo b-a-d. i just feel blind-sided, smacked in the fucking face! ill-prepared and tentative.... each step is a fucking scaredy-cat tip-toe. i hate this i hate this i hate this!
and yeah, treatment was the ONLY way to interrupt all that was happening to me. I DO UNDERSTAND THAT. but it's such an artificial environment... that just THREW me back into the world where NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a better step-down treatment. the dynamics of everything i do are off and different and scewed. it feels as though the existential foundation of EVERYTHING in my life is crumbling. SHOULDN'T THE OPPOSITE BE OCCURRING? you know, b/c now i'm free from the fucking psych unit and have gone through COUNTLESS hours of therapy? shouldn't i be able to piece things together BETTER NOW? rather than feel so timid about approaching anything for fear that how different i am now might cause it all to crash???????
for gawd's sakes, it's just fucking food. and i simply fucking HATE IT IN MY BODY! i hate feeling ill all the time. oh but i can contradict myself at a moment's notice and correct myself by saying that i really actually love feeling ill............. but it's the *ill* that I BRING ON- not the *ill* that food brings on. I HATE THIS! nothing feels RIGHT! AND REALLY???????????? ALL BECAUSE OF SOME CALORIE SCRIPT THAT SOMEHOW H-U-R-T-S ME?????? pathetic.
from ALL to NOTHING. yep fucking NOTHING! every moment of my time, every thought in my head, every breath that i took were all consumed with this fucking illness----------- and treatment insulated me from myself and from the world. and now?????? NOTHING! oh sure, i've a laundry list of recommendations that i want to blow all to HELL! b/c doing it ALONE IS IS IS IS IS HELLLLLLLLLLLL!
and again, could i hate myself any more by reducing it all to me just not wanting to eat food? just fucking eat, amy, and get the fuck over it!!!!!!!! good god damn! i hate myself.
deep breath. i feel angry and frustrated and forgotten and hopeless. i'm exhausting the hell out of myself.... but THAT'S nothing new. shit.
thank you again for reading. my fingertips are flying and my vesuvius is errupting. i hate feeling like this. empty, numb, complacent, dull- now THAT'S how i like things............. pretty low quality of life, though.
time to find my lid and to push it all down............
[i am a woman with drawers....and a burning giraffe ---- salvador dali painting]
tears......
namaste
xo
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