this morning i thought i'd put some of that ANGRY energy to work for GOOD RATHER THAN EVIL. sooooooooooo, i did some research. the therapist that i am presently seeing [and will likely stay with going toward] also runs a *group*. OF COURSE, the group costs a substantial amount of money. and due to my recent stint in a resort---uh, i mean treatment center--- my funds are limited if not non-existent presently.
EVERYTHING COSTS SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY! i did, however, call my ins co and have my benefits and member costs explained.... and possibly- JUST POSSIBLY- i MIGHT be able to swing indv therapy and the group therapy.... but chances are thin..... esp since financial armageddon is quickly approaching our nation......
this is all such a fucking pain in my ass. not only do i have to secure MY OWN aftercare- which if any of you have met me, you KNOW it is almost impossible for me to do on my own- i have to figure out HOW TO PAY FOR IT! it was the most heart-breaking decision to put my saving to use for a TREATMENT CENTER..... and NOW?????? more and more and more and more monies are going toward all this eating disorder shit!!!!!! i'm fucking sick of all this!
and although i really am not as dumb as i play sometimes, i TRULY DID NOT consider the outrageous costs of AFTERCARE!
so while i have been bitching about not having the proper step-down treatment and while i have been hating myself for either dragging my feet about it or for moving forward with it, i hadn't considered the fucking COSTS!
i'd love to be able to report that right now i'm in tears.... but i am tooo ANGRY AND TOOOOO FRUSTRATED TO EVEN CRY!
so as my previous anger was used as motivation to research and help myself, it simply made more room for NEW anger to grow and EXPLODE!
deep breath.
last night after i'd blogged, i visited fb......and two angel-sisters instant-messaged me simultaneously. it's exactly what i needed. i furiously pecked and was grateful for the responses. i sobbed uncontrollably.... i cried myself to sleep............... i am grateful for my sisters and wish so badly to in their presence- but the reality is that i need to learn to be there for myself. sigh. i love you, sweet angel-sissies!
i must sign-off for now....
more later
namaste
amy xo
i'm so sorry you're having to go through this... insurance companies never fail to abandon you when you need them most... it is infuriating. you are right, it is difficult enough to make the decision to use funds towards treatment, much less have it DENIED by people who either say it's not their 'policy' to cover that mode of treatment or you aren't sick enough, once you're at your goal weight you're fine, it's your fault you have thought obsessions blah blah blah. my best wishes to you for securing the coverage you NEED for both group and individual therapy.<3
ReplyDeletealso, this? "i'd love to be able to report that right now i'm in tears... but i am tooo ANGRY AND TOOOOO FRUSTRATED TO EVEN CRY!" i can SO relate to that feeling, and i absolutely hate it because it just makes you frustrated at yourself even more...
hang in there, & many hugs to you, amy. keep going... you ARE doing the right things to get the outpatient care you must have in place...
love,
linglu
luminous linglou-
ReplyDeletemay i first say that i miss you so very much. and secondly, i am grateful for this *conversation*.
yes, i agree that the frustration level that i have experienced with ins is far beyond any that i have ever felt. while in treatment, an entire fucking TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS felt it necessary for me to proceed with treatment when the ins co DENIED it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and now that i'm home, my ins co called my *new* therapist expressing concern that i may need a higher level of care! wtf?????? so fucking frustrating, to say the very least.
thank you for cheering me on. and btw: i loved the messages you left me. i LOVED hearing your sweet voice!
i love and miss you...
namaste
amy i miss you so much too!!! haha i'm glad you liked the messages lol i swear half the time i was either like 'why is my phone beeping' or 'um i think your voicemail keeps cutting me off.' like i said on the message, your message you left me friday left me beaming and totally made my night to hear from you. it means a lot that you thought to tell me those things by leaving me a voicemail <3
ReplyDeletewait, your insurance company expressed a need for you to be in a higher level of care? when you just came back from treatment? and yet they might not cover group therapy? insurance is confusing...
hope the insurance works out and feel free to call or leave me more voicemails in the future! i loved hearing from you!!
ALSO, the other thing i forgot to mention that meant a lot to me that i still remember was the day i got emotional after that scale-smashing group and you came over to join me in crying and brush my hair... i will never forget that because it was EXACTLY what i needed in the moment,,, if you hadn't been there for me i probably would have felt so alone and not talked to anyone because i'm not good at letting other people know what i need... so thank you, because i felt like that was a important moment at my time in rcc and in recovery and you were there for me <3