good afternoon, my sisterhood. i'm sitting out on my front porch, my *smoke* porch, watching my kiddos scooter in unbearable humidity. but nothing beats being outside, you know?
the strangest thing happened this morning.... for as ashamed as i have been for having no accomplishments, an alternate orientation, and an eating disorder- i OPENED up today to an longtime college friend who just friended me on fb. yep! she told me all about her successes in her career, her publications, her divorce, her children, her travels, etc..... sooooooo, i did it. i was honest without a hint of self-pity. i owned up to my life, my mistakes, my successes, and....... my orientation and eating disorder.
i've spent far too long AVOIDING the subject of companionship... plus, if i ignore my recent tmt-stay, then i am not really talking about anything that is present in my life. so, i took the leap. i haven't heard back from her--- and yet, i am not afraid. whatever it is that she has to say about anything that i wrote, i feel confident that i can handle. the fact that i was me being ME is enough to insulate me from just about any response. it feels GOOD to be me, to be honest, to be free from avoidance.
and now, onto my dichotomous issues.... so if i'm feeling so damned good to be me, why do i do things that indicate that i hate myself? for example: all throughout tmt [treatment], i insisted that i could NOT know my goal-weight, that i could NOT know how much a i weighed day to day, that i could NOT have those numbers in my life ever again! so a week before i'm discharged from tmt, i get all in a lather and STEP ON THE SCALE! talk about hating myself even MORE for doing that.... and wouldn't you know, i've made it a god damned habit again. yep! countless times throughout my day, i remind myself how much i HATE myself by stepping on that fucking scale.
i know what you are thinking: *get rid of that fucking scale, amy!* i know i know... but i can't. and i won't. why why why why why do i allow my self-worth to be measured by a fucking number on a scale? aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so all this pecking out of how good i feel to be honest with a longtime college friend---- and i secretly sabotage that goodness every other moment by making myself SEE my weight! why why why do i do this to myself?????
and here's the deal-closer: i justify EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I DO by telling myself that it's not that bad- it's not bad like it was six months ago.... or that i'm GOING to make mistakes, so i'm just going to LET myself for a while. pathetic.
i remember the last time i stepped on my scale before tmt. i told myself that i would NEVER see that number again! i told myself that relentlessly stepping on the fucking scale would NEVER be a part of my life EVER AGAIN! i told myself that i would work harder than i ever have in my life in order to have something OTHER THAN A LOWER NUMBER to give me a thrill, to make me feel worth something, to make me... happy.
deep breath. i know better. I KNOW BETTER! i cheat my mp. i know my weight. i watch it drop. i'm secretly ECSTATIC. NO NO NO NO NO NO AMY!!!!!! i'm humiliated by the amount of money that was spent on tmt! i would be a fucking fool to mess that up! i can HEAR myself argue with myself. this awareness is HELL!
how hard could this be..... eat. stay away from the scale. like yourself the way you are, for WHO you are, and STOP trying to be someone you are NOT!
this ISN'T vanity. this ISN'T me trying to get attention. i PROMISE you that no one else KNOWS ANY OF THIS. i hide it VERY well and do NOT want that negative attention. i just want to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel better. i HATE that i seek out feeling better through f-o-o-d. tears............
well, that's all for now. i must get a late shower and head out to my mama's house for dinner. yikes- dinner with family.... pray for me, sisters.....
namaste...
amy xoxo
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