i swear, post-treatment, i find myself eating some of the strangest things that i would have NEVER eaten... in my life, really. like power bars. several of my treatment sissies would have one for breakfast: calorically dense, high fat grams, and lots of protein. i SWORE that i would never eat one of those fake frankenfood items! but as time went on, i found them appealing for the same fucking reasons.
i also possess some weird quirks that present some unique issues for me. i'm NOT a fan of chewing; texture can be problematic; smells and tastes are often time *off*; and i love that
E-M-P-T-Y feeling. the less i chew, the more difficult it is when i AM faced with trying to chew. avoiding textures just perpetuates my cycle. refraining from eating because of smells or tastes would simply allow me to refrain MOST of the time. and allowing myself to feel the emptiness that i soooooooo LOVE just makes it harder to eat the next time.
so the fucking power bar prevents my love for the lack of chewing and my emptiness. it forces me to chew something a bit easier. some days the texture makes me crazy, but i do it anyway. sometimes the taste is all wrong- but i do it anyway.
there HAVE been a few days when i have skipped the power bar, opting for more creamer in an additional cup of coffee. i got my cals in so what's the big-ass deal? well, it DEFINITELY made lunch much harder. i felt more empty and WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THAT.... and i hadn't chewed and DIDN'T WANT TO. so embarking on lunch was difficult- which is a precursor to the rest of the day being difficult also. so, i thought that because i was getting in my cals that mp the next day's meals as non-chewing meals would be the solution. solution to what? to getting in all my cals? or to the beginning of game-playing? I THOUGHT i was doing the right thing. but others around me were aware and had no problems pointing out their concerns.....
and that, my sisterhood, is just ONE of the many problematic issues that follows treatment! multiply that little bitty aspect of *the power bar* by about one thousand.... and THAT is how overwhelmed i feel each day with all these small factors that i seem to instinctively *know* how to take care of that apparently are *red flags*. sigh. this is SO difficult.
does anyone else have any strategies they use to prevent issues from cropping up? what are your issues? what is your main daily issue? how do you prefer to get support for these *little* things?
it's quickly approaching my scheduled lunch time. thank god for the schedule. pre-treatment, i was asked to mp and to get into a routine with a schedule..... and do you know what? i didn't even UNDERSTAND what that really meant! such a simple tool- and i had no idea what it meant and couldn't do it. what a long strange trip it's been [grateful dead].
how are you doing with mp and scheduling? is it more difficult than you expected? are you rigid or more flexible? do you jack with your mp? do others eat with you? eat similarly as you? how do you handle social situations?
my processed, prepacked frankenfood lunch is calling my name. although i HATE [and i mean HATE] this type of food, it has helped me re-join society--- in more ways than just being able to eat out at a restaurant..... more later!
namaste, my sweet sisters!
amy xoxo
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