today i don't feel like eating anything
i just want to stare at my plate
don't feel like picking up my fork
i hate stouffers; it's such a joke
b/c today i don't feel like eating anything
nothing at all.
bruno mars ain't got nothin' on me, eh????
regardless of how much i DON'T want any bites in my mouth, i have a mp [meal plan] that i must follow. and in the words of my former therapist *EAT ALL YOUR GOD DAMNED CALORIES. i know you don't want to but you need to.* ahhh, such poetry. but i remind myself of that quote whenever that fucking bruno mars tune infiltrates my being.
i was thinking recently [dangerous, right?] about the book *biting anorexia*. although it is sort of a diary of her recovery post-treatment, it's just so scattered. the parts that stand out the most to me now are the ones where she just haphazardly eats her way through her days. where's a schedule? what about a cal script? what did she learn in treatment? whatever she learned, how is she incorporating it into her every day life? eating weird shit here and there just for the hell of it just doesn't seem like the best route to recovery.
perhaps my memory serves me wrong....but that's what i remember from the book- although i read it about two years ago.
part of me wants to go back to some of these memoires and find the parts of recovery that i missed when i read them the first ten times. yep, read them over and over trying to find myself in them. perhaps, if i read them with a different intent, i'll get something MORE out of them. but for now, for what it's worth- i'm staying away. i'm not the biggest fan of the word *triggered*- it simply implies too much helplessness... but nonetheless, i DO FALL PREY to being triggered and want to avoid that presently as much as possible. so looking for recovery in memoires will have to wait until a later date.
soooo, how many of you had a difficult time securing aftercare? my GAWD! what a nightmare! all wrapped up in my blanket of treatment, i was smacked in the face with the reality that nothing that intensive nor that specialized exists in my area. i started making calls and writing emails about a month before i was discharged from treatment. I GOT NOTHING! NO RESPONSES! i chased and chased and chased down the names of places and people that were referred to me. i begged my therapist at home to continue to see me during this messy interim time... she reluctantly agreed and provided a whole new set of names. i landed an appointment with a *specialist* who basically told me that i was out of her league and that even an internationally known specialist that she trained with couldn't help me. WOWOWOWOWWOWOW.
so back to the drawing board. i called three other names. one woman vigilantly played phone tag with me until an appointment time was determined. i've met with her once. she asked all the right [scary] questions... i have another appointment planned. she seems compassionate and knowledgeable. we'll see....
three weeks plus into being home from treatment- it's about fucking TIME that i get something lined up! going from all to nothing is scary and frustrating.
what issues did you encounter trying to secure aftercare? did you have to do it yourself? did someone help you? are you pleased with your aftercare? how did the transition from treatment to op aftercare work out for you? did you find that you missed your treatment therapist?
i hope you enjoyed my song... i've got another one about fucking :) for those of you who know me: you are saying * of COURSE you do *!!!!!!! i have a panera coffee with an extra shot of espresso- so this should be a great beginning to my day!
namaste, my sisterhood...
amy xoxoxo
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