i've read a lot of memoirs over the years that tell the horrors of being in the midst of the HELL that eating disorders are. i've read a lot on how people have recovered. i've read a lot of how-to books and life-beyond books. but never have i read anything that involves the true HELL of recovery.
one of the olsen sisters went into treatment and miraculously appeared back in the spotlight as *recovered*. portia wrote an amazing tale involving her *story* but not much about HOW she recovered. and the how-to books just don't portray in written word just how DIFFICULT recovery can be.
by no means am i suggesting that something needs to be published in order to SCARE people away from recovery. i'd just like to see something more realistic- so that WHEN i find the process as hellish as the disease, i don't feel alone in my pain and sorrow.
therefore, i am committing to this blog- a blog about recovery.... the good, bad, and the fucking ugly. because no matter the direction that is taken when an eating disorder develops, there is PAIN AND SUFFERING involved. so why not take the path that leads to the END of that pain and suffering? why not? BECAUSE MOVING AWAY FROM IT FEELS LIKE IT HURTS MORE! but i've heard that it gets better and that recovery isn't linear. an eating disorder IS fairly linear: a straight line to HELL. so i have chosen to walk the more painful, jagged path in the hopes of seeing the end in order to LIVE. because without recovery, an eating disorder either eventually ends in death- or nosedives into hellish quality of life that isn't worth living.
deep breath. i have been home from a four month stay at a treatment center for three weeks. treatment was the BEST thing that could have ever happened for me. i was reluctant and was basically *pushed* into treatment. i wanted a different, *better* life- but didn't know HOW to get it. treatment interrupted what i could not. treatment provided structure, routine, therapy, and others like me. i felt less alone and comforted by NOT being the only one.
and now i am h-o-m-e... omega? quite the contrary. treatment stopped my fall in the pit of hell. treatment provided me with the skills to get myself OUT of the pit. now it is time for me to use what i have learned and make my way out...
think about it. if you had learned the skills and had the tools to climb the side of a mountain but had never ACTUALLY done it outside of a controlled practice venue, your first attempt would be a bit problematic. but as mistakes were made and learned from, the climb would become easier. as the terrain became too rough or too smooth, you would again use trial and error- and you would again learn from those mistakes. over time, your slips and falls and bruises would be part of the process- almost expected, until finally a lot of what you have learned and practiced would become second nature.
i know that eating is NOT climbing. and i know that most folks do not have to LEARN to eat. but an eating disorder- regardless of the underlying issues- manifests itself through food. either eating too much or too little as means to cope becomes far less about hunger and satiation but becomes some sort of coping skill that is used so instinctively incorrectly. so learning to climb and learning to eat CAN actually be compared when specific to an eating disorder.
okay, now to the truth. i HAVE been meal planning. i've missed maybe three days. i have NOT however been FOLLOWING my meal plan. it is simply too easy not to. the environment shouldn't matter- but i'm here to tell you that it DOES! following through in treatment is far different than following through once you are home. just eat. i mean seriously! just eat! i didn't go through four months of treatment to come home and blow it.
so treatment is NOT the end: it is the BEGINNING of what i must do for myself. no one can MAKE me eat. no one can MAKE me practice and use the skills that i have learned. no one can to that for me but ME. and i can't reside in treatment FOREVER. once stable, the goal is to leave and climb on..... sigh. my climbing skills are lacking.....
how did you feel when you came home from treatment? were you prepared for life without so much structure? what was the most difficult initially?
i would love as much interaction as possible. and btw: i've chosen to blog rather than to post on a support group b/c i know that my perspective here will be pretty messy, ugly, and full of expletives. it just may not be the most appropriate discussions for a support group.
so please! tell me what you think! and i will keep journaling as i navigate my way OUT of this hellish pit.
all my love, my sisterhood...
namaste,
amy xo
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