loneliness, aftercare, and a ladder

namaste, my sisterhood----
the gaping hole of absence from my last blog until now is a direct result of loneliness.  i have been lying to myself, telling myself that i like my solitude.  and while that is a half-lie, my *solitude* regarding less-than-enough interaction with like-minded sisters is the most bothersome. 

u-p-d-a-t-e:
i have attended three dietition appts [she prefers to be called a dietition].  although i was pretty high and giddy during the first appt- the interview/ assessment [yep, you read it right.  got to talk ALL ABOUT how much i love veganism and why], the high quickly progressed into a nose-dive crash when the dietition told me i was a challenge.  and then she said [and i fucking quote]:  *i won't lie, you scare me.*  once the reality of dinner with CHEESE hit me, the words began to seep like poison into my bloodstream.  eating cheese and being a continual *challenge and scaring people* lowered my motivation to a new despondent level....

and then- oh yay for me- i had to attend *group* right after dinner that day also.  and then, as if the day couldn't progress anymore, therapeutically speaking, my therapist wanted to meet after group to *process* how it all went for me that day.  yep, nothing says *you might be crazy* like three fucking appts in one day.  so, post-group i was kept after class with NO OP FOR A CIG [which i made pretty clear: that's not cool!], i started to cry like a blabbering toddler.... whining over not wanting people to see me as such a scary challenge.  her response???  *i thought you'd be used to that by now.*  such a soul-crushing, unexpected response that left my ears bleeding.  she asked me what i WANT to hear.  i told her that i want someone to say that they've seen the likes of me before and that they've *got my number*.  she agreed that this particular response would be more settling.

group was decent.  it is what it is.  i will do my best to extract what i need from it all.....  opening up is difficult- that whole *starting over and telling my fucking story AGAIN* bullshit, you know?  and?  the entire time i've been participating in this group [three times thus far], i am thrilled to say that i have gotten away with not saying one single word about MY illness and how it affects me.  everyone else has offered up all kinds of shit- whether it's the a-word, the b-word, etc...  and b/c i don't offer up that information unless specifically ASKED to, i have remained stoicly within my voyerism- revealing nothing while still having the priviledge to get a peek at others' painful secrets.  so unfair of me, i know.

remember me saying that nothing says *you're crazy* like three appts in one day?  well, it's been topped.  my therapist has ADDED an additional time for me to see her each week.  two times a week for therapy- once a week with the dietition- and weekly group.  sighhhhhh.
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i can only speak for myself when it pertains to this whole business of recovery.  but i am interested in how others are responding to their *aftercare*....  i truly believed that being IN tmt would be the most painful aspect of this entire process.  i believed that if i could actually meet the criteria for graduation from the program that i would be able to easily transition what i'd learned into my daily life.  i thought that i'd learned what i needed to know about myself- i thought i would BUILD upon what i'd learned.  not believing COMPLETELY UNREALISTICALLY, i suspected it would be an uphill climb....but that it would continue in its FORWARD MOBILITY. 

i'm shocked that i am continually learning more and more about myself- things that i didn't even know existed!  i'm shocked by how painful it continues to be.  i'm shocked- that instead of digging deep for the skills that i have learned, i feel myself behaving so impulsively.

for me, pre-tmt, the more i talked and learned about myself, the more crazy the illness became for me.  perhaps i was misguided or just had too high of expectations for myself post-tmt, but i just thought those days were over.  when this orbiting mess cements my true need for action, i find myself shutting down.  my crazy logic: talking and learning makes it all worse for me...so just stop talking and working on it all.  but doing nothing is truly worse than pushing to move forward despite the nose-dives in which i find myself experiencing.  BUT THE NOSE-DIVES HURT!  and doing nothing hurts less.  my ability to make sense of this diguises itself as avoidance.

is anyone else experiencing this sort of messy orbiting?  why is it that some people learn about themselves, develop skills, and put it all to good use to GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES?????....  and i seem to learn about myself and crumble.  dig deep, amy, for the skills.  stop allowing symptoms and behaviors-of-old intoxicate you...........  climb the fucking ladder!  it's RIGHT THERE!  stop running circles AROUND it and start CLIMBING it!

dizzy from the frustration and endless circling of that existential ladder, i am making a grand effort today to dig deep.  thank you for reading.  loneliness and the feeling of hopelessness are truly isolating.  knowing i have sisters that are simply reading this comforts me.  many thanks.
namaste
amy xoxoxo