dichotomous frustration. i hate what i love. i don't want to take a bite. i need to fucking eat. i'm losing weight, but i feel HUGE! i'm S-T-U-C-K.
this past session with my therapist left me fuming, as usual, but this fuming was all-encompassing. fuming anger. fuming frustration. fuming at her. fuming at me. fuming at this fucking FIGHT i have going on constantly!
in a nutshell: my therapist told me i need to see my gp every couple of months for a checkup and bloodwork. she went on to say that it would be unethical of her to treat me if i *fall below a certain level*. she claimed that she needs me to see my gp, the dietition, and her so they can all communicate ABOUT ME. she said she felt that i was NOT commited to recovery..... and suggested that i saw my time in tmt as temporary and that i premeditated my discontinuing following recommendations.
holy hell. i allowed this professional to talk me into attending a fascilitated , 12-week group costing $1,000.....and i allowed her to talk me into seeing a fucking dietition....and i allowed her to talk me into scheduling an ADDITIONAL FUCKING APPT during the week. i have participated, done the fucking worksheets and activities. i am looking at myself from completely different suggested perspectives. i am HONESTLY journaling in the ways the dietition has asked. and i am NOT COMMITED????????
cut to the chase: i am angry and confused and just sickened about food. i have completely stopped meal planning. i was cheating on it... then i was faking the numbers....then i decided it was a waste of my time. I KNOW WHAT MY THERAPIST IS SAYING. she wants me to commit to a fucking meal plan. and if this were any of YOU, i would stress that you meal plan also. but i tell you, sometimes my nausea is over the top. sometimes it morphes into poison with no antidote. sometimes the fucking mess that food is to me is just not worth trying to get it in my mouth. and when i TRY to get the fucking mess of a bite into my mouth, it's a fucking freak show. if i'm lucky enough to get the god damned bite into my mouth, chewing can be problematic as can swallowing. sometimes i have a fucking knot in my throat that the fucking food mess can not pass! it's torture. and it's hit or miss if i feel *better* once i eat-- or if i feel WORSE!
presently, i feel WORSE. i had four crackers with peanut butter and 1/4 c of raisins. i swear i might vomit! my tummy is too full and sticking wayyyyy out! THIS IS TORTURE!
so WHY, i ask you, would i ask for help with the meal plan when it is clearly PAINFUL AND TORTUROUS for me to eat. i truly HATE the overwhelmingly jealous feelings that i have toward people who ENJOY food. IT'S NOT FAIR!
i don't want to eat. I DON'T WANT TO. it doesn't feeeeeeel right. it hurts and haunts me. but i know i NEED to fucking eat so i can ....oh i don't know.... LIVE! this low, cryptic, worrisome way of life is not LIVING--- it's fucking shitty existence.
who would want to build a life with someone who refuses to eat food? who would trust that person with taking care of children? who would want to be in the presence of someone so fucking consumed and crazy?
I WENT TO FUCKING TMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know i need help. i KNOW this....... but i can't bring myself to ask for help so i can try to do this THING that i HATE!!!!!!!! i hate the process of eating! i hate the way it feels inside me! i hate the weight gain that results!
so, yes... dichotomous frustration. investing so fucking much of my god damned time into appts and trying to do ask i am asked is exhausting..... and i know that none of it does much for me when i won't eat.
i just don't get it. i really don't. just eat, amy. really????? come in out of the cold! there's the door! don't tell me you don't know HOW!!!!! omg, i am pathetic. it's a basic fucking need and i hear myself down deep in a hidden, secret place claiming that i will never eat again. i know this isn't true.....but it is frightening hearing myself make such a bold claim.
i don't know that i can do this recovery-thing without a lobotomy. tears. please, just re-program me. please replace my repulsions with enjoyment. please dump my brain of the incessant worry. please help me- but don't make me eat.....
i hate myself so much right now....................
as always, thank you for reading. i am lost..... stuck..... just sick.
namaste, my sisterhood
amy
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