i would like to begin by thanking all those who have been reading. loneliness is a curious monster. thank you for helping me to tame it just a bit.
i haven't mentioned much about my experience with my dietition. that purposeful omission is due to the infuriation that flares during and after each appt....along with the swirling confusion and pain that accompanies the flaming infuriation. i don't know about you, but i thought the dietition would monitor cal amts and try to *balance* my diet. and while monitoring and balancing are on the itinerary each visit, many OTHER aspects are also included, much to my surprise [and DISLIKE].
i've always been VERY cynical about keeping a food journal. i've been asked a couple of times in my life to try it.....and i did: TRY IT.... but i lied. i couldn't make myself write down what i really ate, or i couldn't write down how few cals i was eating. so i'd omit or stretch the truth. during this time of journaling, i was usually asked to write about how i felt. *how i felt*: pretty vague and all-encompassing. so i would write about hating food or hating feeling full or wishing i didn't like potato chips. i might go on to bitch about how it affected my day- putting me in an all-day bad mood. never really deep or specific.
what i am participating in now????? is SPECIFIC! and b/c i didn't want to see a dietition in the first place....and b/c i did in fact feel pressured to do so....and b/c i hate to waste my money and time- i told myself that the least i can do is to be honest- FOR ONCE! even if i refuse EVERYTHING ELSE about the experience....i have begged myself to at least be HONEST. sooooooooo, i have been writing down everything that goes into my mouth and trying to be as accurate as i can be with the cal cnts. but??? in addition to that, i am to journal specifically about each bite. she adds a new facet on each week. but it began like this: i was to write down how it *tasted*. that's it. the next week, i was to add onto that how texture plays a role in what i will eat or *not like* to eat. then, she asked me to see if i can recognize the times when i want something to eat, but won't let myself have it, and will choose something *less* for myself. and this week, i am to try to find patterns and to really notice the times when i have no use for chewing, to really zero in on how food TASTES to me and how i feel after i'm finished eating.....blah.
during these appts, she asks a lot of questions about my relationship with food. she asked why i don't like to chew? why i don't allow myself to taste things that i know i like? why do i like to be *empty*? what does it doooooo for me? why is dairy so offensive to me? why i won't bite into anything? why i wipe my mouth so much? what happens if i DO bite or DON'T wipe my mouth? why do i have a certain placement in my mouth for food? why do i like teeny bites?
when she asked about *behaviors* [hate that fucking subject], i was honest about the things that i do. some of the behaviors she asked me b/f i could even offer them up: do you little smaller bites? when i reluctantly offered up other behaviors, she immediately said that it sounds like i'm trying REALLY hard not to taste my food. [mouth gaping open] i would have NEVER come to that conclusion. TASTE has never entered my mind in terms of how i go about forcing the fucking bite into my mouth.
but i have wondered WHY i do some of the strange things that i do..... and why it hurts me so terribly if i DON'T DO my strange things.......... trying not to taste my food- really??? it makes sense, sadly..........
so when she asks these specific questions about food, i swear a bigness swells in me and gets the best of me b/f i know what's happening. it's a *panic* of sorts. it's like having to explain the details of a hurtful sexual encounter. no one wants to talk specifically about sex, the details, or how it may have hurt them. talking about taste and texture and behaviors and feelings all directly related to food FEELS JUST AS PERSONAL AS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SEX. it's humilating, so painfully personal, and just not what i want to share with others. i'm shocked by how much this hurts me, shocked by how much i am learning about myself, shocked by how much of it devastates me..........
i avoid journalling. i will end up trying to do 3-4 days at a time. trying to look at it all from such a different perspective confuses me and hurts me. and the result is that i always learn something about myself- i might not know what to DO with what i've learned- but i am forever continuing to learn......... the learning aspect intrigues me. so when i DO venture into the land of food-journalling, it's difficult to come up for air. i get sucked down INTO the process. my curiosity pushes me further and further....and when it IS time to come up for air, it's difficult for me to transition back into reality.
who knew that food had such an emotional, super-fucking personal HOLD on me? who knew that it was MORE than wanting to feel empty???? and it is....it is so much more....so much more complicated. and it just hurts me to know that i'm DOING these kinds of things TO MYSELF. and that i didn't even realize it.
cts: in group, we set weekly goals and SHARE them with the group. blahhhh. mine have been flimsy and easy to accomplish. my goal for this week was to try to STOP comparing myself to others and to give myself what I REALLY NEED, to try to STOP my freakish solidarity with those who have less- thereby only allowing myself to have less. my concrete way of getting to this goal was to..... [you might want to sit down for this one] to get in more calories. I SWEAR THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY IN GROUP! i was going to say that i wanted to give myself something each day....something that i wanted but normally don't allow myself to have.....like maybe suggesting we go out to eat so i don't have to cook and clean up- or having an extra cup of coffee B/C IT TASTES GOOD. you know, little shit like that. but this word-vomit spewed from my mouth and i said...*get in more calories.* WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! i knew the second it blurted from my throat that i wouldn't do it [but i suppose something in me WANTS me to really do it, eh?].
so i have stumbled through this week, having no intention of upping my cals. so where does that leave me in terms of a goal? well, i could say fuck it. but i don't really want to BE THAT PERSON in group. sooooooo, my mind has been wrestling lately with the possibility of adding another thing to my no-option list....... and as this idea flashed brighter and brighter, i was able to see that if i add this *thing*, then i am considering what I REALLY NEED, and am not comparing myself to others, and i am shedding my freakish solidarity.
today, i reluctantly BUT OFFICIALLY add the SIXTH thing to my no-option list! i have not engaged in this particular behavior in a very long time---- so it is easy to add. but i don't WANT to add it....b/c i like it in my back pocket- just in case. but???? i added it- so it is truly now off the table. i am nervous but somehow excited to see where this takes me. plus??? it is a concrete action that allows me to work TOWARD that weekly goal that i chose.
i am grateful for you attention. thanks for hanging in there with me. sometimes i just have this swelling bigness of **FEELING**, and i don't know what it is or what to DO with it. confusion is lonely. thanks for reading.....
namaste, my sisterhood---
amy xoxoxoxoxo
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